


Out Like A Light

by hufflepuffvirgo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 70s, Angst, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Multi, POV Sirius Black, Romance, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Wizarding World (Harry Potter), everyone loves david bowie, remus is a bit angsty, sirius is a bit oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:47:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflepuffvirgo/pseuds/hufflepuffvirgo
Summary: A Marauder's Era fanfic through Sirius' point of view following their years at Hogwarts to the second wizarding war.Slowburn Wolfstar (with background Jily obviously)Content warnings will be included at the start of every chapterHeavy use of swearing, underage drinking and smoking throughoutSome sexual references and themes after the start of sixth year
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 6





	1. Hogwart's Express - Year One

**1971 - First Year**

“Sirius!” a voice spat out. Sirius blinked hard to come out of his daydream, turning for face the voice. His mother.

“Can you not look presentable for five minutes!” his mother continued, kneeling down so she could straighten his tie. Sirius wanted to push her away, but knew better than that, deciding to roll his eyes discreetly instead. Not discreetly enough, apparently.  
His mother hit him round the back of the head. Not hard enough to actually hurt him, but it didn’t matter to Sirius. She sighed and stood up, leaving the room to walk up the stairs.

Sirius could hear the floorboards creaking as she went, partly due to her angry steps and partly due to the age of the house. It had been in his family for generations, which was made apparent by the family tree that decorated the walls of the room he was currently stood in.

It showed everyone in his family that there had ever been, or at least the ones that had been recorded, both dead and alive. Delicately detailed paintings, with everyone’s names written underneath in gold.

Apart from a few.

There were a few faces that were reduced to ash, having been burnt off. Sirius read their names carefully, which sat underneath the burn marks. There were about five, and Sirius had only ever met two of them. His cousin Andromeda, and his uncle Alphard.

If the others who had been scorched off were anything like either of them, Sirius thought to himself, then he would probably like them much more than the other members of his family that he knew. 

His own picture sat next to the one of his brother, Regulus. He’d always found it a bit creepy, having such lifelike paintings of yourself in your own house. But that made him the minority. His house was covered in eerily perfect paintings of himself, brother and parents. The rest of his family seemed to think that it was something to be proud of, so Sirius never voiced his thoughts on it. It was probably one of the few things he didn't voice his opinions on. He had been told he was rather opinionated, and it was meant as an insult of course, but Sirius wore that statement like a badge of honour. 

“Sirius Orion Black!” his mother screeched. He rolled his eyes again, grateful to be able to do it without getting caught this time.

He walked out of the room and towards his mother. She was fairly short, only about an inch taller than Sirius. When he was younger, she of course towered over him, but as he grew up he found it rather amusing that she thought of herself as this high and mighty figure when, by the end of the year, Sirius would be taller than her. She had a bony and angular figure, just like the majority of the Black family. She was worryingly pale, almost see through. She reminded Sirius of a ghost, and this thought made him smile to himself before remembering that she was stood right in front of him and would no doubt punish him for smiling. 

Sirius sometimes wondered if his mother was a legilimens, since she always seemed to know just what he was thinking. She had a way of finding out things that she had no way of knowing. It frightened him, if he were being honest, but he would never know whether this was true or not. If it were true, she'd like to keep her cards close to her chest, he was sure. Her eyes, more grey than Sirius's own, were boring into him at this moment, so he pushed the thought to the back of his head. 

“We’ll arrive on time, Walburga, as long as we arrive within the next five minutes,” Sirius’ father said, trying to calm the woman down. Sirius wondered frequently if his father was scared of his mother; he certainly acted like it. 

“There you are,” Walburga said, taking hold of his shoulder, digging her fingernails into his shoulders, and marching him towards the fireplace.

“Where’s Reggie?” Sirius asked, looking around for his younger brother. Part of him felt bad, leaving his brother alone with his dreadful parents for the next year. But another part of him was so excited to leave. He'd been waiting to get out of this house for years. 

And unfortunately, excitement always overpowered guilt, in Sirius’ case.

“Regulus will be coming now,” Orion, Sirius’ father, replied. At that moment, Regulus came striding into the room, looking neater and more put together than his brother as usual. He had an anxious look on his face, but that look was becoming permanent nowadays. Sirius didn't like it. 

“Right, Sirius, pick up your trunk. It’s time to leave,” his father ordered.

“Can’t you…” Sirius began to complain, before his mother glared at him, her eyes narrowed to the point where she reminded Sirius of a snake. Sirius thought better of it, shut his mouth and grabbed his trunk, before walking next to the ornate fireplace.

His father was already stood in the fireplace, with a handful of green floo power.

“Platform 9 ¾,” his father announced, throwing down the power. A green flame surrounded his father, and when it disappeared, so had his father. Sirius went next, copying his father’s actions perfectly. A few seconds later, Sirius landed in a different fireplace, this time at the end of a train platform. He couldn’t help but smile as he looked around. A large steam train stood in front of him. The Hogwarts Express. There were children running around everywhere, something Sirius wasn’t used to. A thought occurred to him then, that he was finally going to have friends. 

There wasn’t many children in his family. Of course, there was Regulus and himself. There were also his three cousins Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa, but they hardly counted. Bellatrix had left Hogwarts years ago and Andromeda had left not long after. Narcissa was unfortunately still attending Hogwarts, going into her sixth year, but she had acted like an adult her entire life.

So being surrounded by people his own age made Sirius’ smile widen. He wasn’t paying attention as his mother gave him a final goodbye. He spent that time gazing at other families; parents hugging their children, crying at the fact they wouldn’t see them for months. Even the ones that weren’t crying at least looked sad.

Not his. His mother was stone faced as usual. In fact, she actually looked rather annoyed. Her thin eyebrows furrowed as she looked most unlovingly at her son. 

“Did you hear me, Sirius?” Walburga asked. Sirius looked at her unsurely. His mother sighed in frustration.

“I said, don’t do anything to disgrace us. We can hardly take another hit to our reputation with that girl bringing shame to the family by marrying that Mudblood,” his mother said sternly.

“Andromeda,” Sirius muttered. His mother gave him a sharp look. Apparently they weren’t to say that name anymore. Sirius opened his mouth to protest at this lecture. After all, why was his mother already assuming it would be him to disgrace the family? He knew exactly why. 

“I know what you’re like,” Walburga snapped before he had a chance, “I’ll see you at Christmas”. With that, she lay her hand on the side of his head, in what was supposed to be a loving gesture. A normal parent would ruffle their son’s hair or hug them. But Sirius would take what he could get.

“Be on your best behaviour,” Orion said, surprisingly bringing Sirius in for a quick hug.

No. He had assumed too soon. Instead of hugging him like Sirius had expected him to do, his father leant down and whispered in his ear, “Make us proud”.

Sirius nodded; a little bit put out. Lastly, he turned his attention to his brother. Sirius realsied in that moment how alike he and his brother looked. Sirius was a few inches taller than Reg and wasn’t as scrawny. Sirius’ eyes were also a metallic, grey blue whereas Regulus’ were darker, more like the colour of the ocean.

Apart from that they could be twins. He realsied the hair was different too. Regulus’ was more curled and was short; the same length as most of the boys at the train station. Sirius’, however, was quite long, just short of his shoulders. He hoped to grow it out more during the year, it might annoy his mother. Just the thought of this made Sirius beam. Maybe he’d grow out of that as he got older, since he seemed to get a kick out of annoying people he didn’t particularly like. That got him in trouble quite a lot.

“I’ll be back soon, Reg,” Sirius promised, putting his hand on his brother’s shoulder, "I promise". 

“I’ll be okay. Just try not to annoy anyone too much, I know what you’re like,” Regulus said quietly, but there was a hint of humour in his voice. That was rare from Regulus; he was usually so quiet and reserved.

“I would never,” Sirius grinned. He picked up his trunk from the floor, and without giving his parents another look, he walked over to the train.

Anxiety suddenly waved over him as he stepped up into the train. What was wrong with him? He was never nervous. He took a deep breath. You’ve wanted this forever, he reminded himself, to go to Hogwarts. He walked through the narrow corridors, as older students pushed past him all laughing and joking amongst each other.

After walking past a few compartments that were full of students chattering away, he finally came across an empty one. Hopefully someone would join him sooner or later, but he’d rather sit alone than risk the embarrassment of being rejected by other students.

He sat on one of the seats and put his trunk on the ledge above his head. He didn’t reclose the door, hoping it would make people more likely to join him. He turned to look out the window. Some of the families were still saying goodbye.

His eyes landed on one particular boy. He was far darker than Sirius, who would probably look like a ghost by comparison. His jet-black hair was messy, with random bits sticking up. He had black, circular glasses that were knocked slightly as a woman, who looked a good few years older than his mother, hugged for what seemed like the tenth time. He wondered what it would be like to have parents like that.

Finally, the boy left his family and disappeared from Sirius’ view. Only a few seconds later, there was a small knock on the doorframe. It was the boy from the platform. Now that he was closer, Sirius could see the colour of his eyes, a dark chocolate brown. He had a wide smile, and Sirius realised that he was smiling back.

“Can I join you?” the boy said to Sirius, “Everywhere else is full”.

“Of course,” Sirius said. The other boy grinned at this and entered, sitting himself opposite Sirius.

“I’m James,” the boy said, holding out his hand.

“Sirius,” Sirius said, shaking the boys hand.

“Good to meet you, Sirius…” James said, leaning up to place his trunk on the shelf.

“Oh,” Sirius said, his stomach flipping a bit, “Black. Sirius Black”.

He waited for the boy to react. He wouldn’t be surprised if he up and left at that moment. Most people usually did when they heard his name. Unless they were just as demented as his family.

James didn’t react.

“Well, I’m James Potter,” the boy said.

“The Potters are blood traitors, right?” Sirius asked casually. James looked alarmed, and his dark eyebrows shot up in shcok as his eyes widened. Sirius suddenly realised how that sounded.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that!” he exclaimed, “It’s just that my family are a bit mental on the whole pureblood thing, told me to not to be friends with blood traitors. So, naturally I’m making it my mission to befriend every single one I can find”. Sirius had a cheeky grin on his face, and soon the same grin was on James’ face too.

“I’m glad to help you with that,” the other boy laughed.

At that moment, a girl’s voice could be heard from just outside the door.

“Come on Sev,” the voice rang out, “There’ll be room somewhere”.

A girl appeared at the door. She had fiery orange hair, that reached far past her shoulders. It looked like she’d been crying, as her cheeks were red, and her eyes were glazed with tears. Despite this, she beamed at the two boys.

“Do you mind if we sit here?” she asked cheerily. Sirius shrugged, looking at James.

“Sure,” James said, shuffling up a bit to make some more room.

“Thanks,” the girl said, taking a seat beside James. As she did so, a boy appeared at the doorway. He scowled at Sirius and James.

“Come on, Sev,” the girl said cheerily. The boy looked at her, sighing, and sat beside Sirius, opposite the girl. The boy was pale, with black hair that was around the same length as Sirius’. Unlike Sirius’ however, it was rather greasy.

“I’m Lily,” the girl said as she turned to James.

“I’m James,” he replied. Lily looked over at Sirius, raising an eyebrow, enquiring about his name.

“Sirius,” he informed her. The other three looked as the last boy, waiting for him to introduce himself. He didn’t.

“This is Severus,” Lily said eventually. Severus sniffed, looking away from the others. Sirius shot James an amused look. James shook his head and shrugged, leaning back in his chair as he looked out the window.

The train had now pulled out of the station, and very soon they were rushing past the countryside. Large trees went by in a blur, and soon the warm autumn sun was shining into the carriage, casting a golden light over everyone.

Severus and Lily were muttering quietly, and James and Sirius had been ignoring them until James picked up on a certain thing Severus said.

“Hopefully we’ll both be put in Slytherin,” Severus muttered. Lily looked at her friend in confusion. She must be a Muggle Born, Sirius thought to himself. James chuckled gently, catching Severus and Lily’s attention. The boy looked at James in disgust, wondering what on earth he found so funny.

“I’d rather be forced to leave than be put into Slytherin,” James said, “What about you, Black?”

“My whole family has been sorted into Slytherin, bloody hate the lot though,” Sirius replied, with a smirk.

“Honestly, and I thought you seemed alright,” James replied jokingly.

“Hoping to break that tradition, don’t you worry,” Sirius replied, with a small nod of his head. He saw Severus roll his eyes at this.

“I’m hoping Gryffindor. My dad was a Gryffindor, you see, and everyone knows that’s where the bravest ones get put,” James said. His eyes filled with pride when he spoke of his father, and Sirius knew that he would never look that loving when speaking of his own father. Severus started laughing, a cruel and mocking laugh as if he thought James was somehow inferior.

“Is there a problem?” James asked casually. If anyone else had said that it may have sounded argumentative. But James was very cheery, and he spoke rather well, so it came out more as a curious question.

Severus obviously didn’t take it this way, as he rolled his eyes even harder than before.

“Gryffindors are good for nothing but brawns and mindless idiocy,” Severus stated, in a snobbish voice, “Slytherins have brains. They can actually think for themselves”.

“Where do you want to end up then, considering neither brains nor brawns really suits you,” Sirius asked him casually. He had met James only a few minutes ago, but he despised the way that Severus was talking to his new friend. It reminded him of the way his parents spoke to him at home; condescending and cold.

James began to laugh loudly, his grin widening. Sirius smiled to himself, as he looked at Severus who had gone red with fury, before looking back t James who was now rocking backwards as he continued to laugh.

Lily seemed to be paying attention again now and looked at James in annoyance. She turned to Sirius and frowned. She must have noticed that Snape was growing angrier as the other boys continued to laugh, as she promptly stood up.

“Let’s go Sev,” she said, fairly quietly. Severus stood up, and glared at the boys one last time, before opening the door to the compartment, grabbing his trunk down and stalking out.

“That was pretty immature,” Lily said as she reached up to get her own trunk. Once she’d gotten it down, she turned her back on them as she turned to leave. James and Sirius just laughed quietly at this. Lily gave them a look that could kill as she left the two of them, chasing after Severus.

The two boys sat together for the next hour or so, until they both started getting hungry. Sirius hadn’t been given much money, even though he knew his family could afford to give him much more. 

“Should we go and look for the snack trolley? My dad told me they sell all sorts of things on it,” James said, reaching into his pocket for some money.

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius said, standing up and stretching his legs. The two of them left their compartment and went searching for the snack trolley. Once they’d found it, they bought enough sweets to last them for the rest of the journey and then some.

They wandered back to their compartment and were surprised to find two other boys sat there. The shorter one was leaning forward with his head in his hands, staring at the floor. He was quite round and looked slightly younger than eleven. His hair was a blonde straw colour, and his face had a green tint to it. Sirius figured out that he must be getting travel sick. Reg used to get like this whenever they travelled to France and went on one of the old-fashioned train rides there.

He turned his attention to the other one. He was quite tall, and obviously lanky, as his legs were stretched out to the middle of the compartment. He had pale brown hair, that went blonde when the light hit it. It curled at the front of his head, and Sirius noticed that there was a stray curl that had fallen into his face. The boy’s eyes were hazel; brown with small green flecks.

The taller boy smiled at the other two shyly.

“Sorry about this, I hope it’s okay we’re here. It’s just Pete was feeling sick and it was too crowded in the other compartment,” the boy explained, sounding very apologetic.

“Don’t worry about it, we were just grabbing some sweets. D’you want any?” James said as he sat back in his seat, next to the green-faced boy. The taller boy shook his head, and the other one just kept his head in his hands.

“Or we’ve got chocolate, if you prefer,” Sirius said, sitting next to the boy who had spoken.

“I’m Sirius, by the way,” he said, turning to face the boy.

“I’m Remus. Remus Lupin,” the other boy said, speaking just as quietly as he had before. He must be shy, Sirius thought.

“And this is Peter, you said?” James inquired, opening a chocolate frog and quickly biting the head off.

“Peter Pettigrew,” the other boy piped up, lifting his head to give Sirius and James a weak smile.

“Nice to meet you, Pete. I’m James. You look like you could do with some sugar,” James said, holding out a handful of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

“I could do, actually, thanks,” Peter muttered, accepting them gratefully.

“Looks like you’re the only one not joining the feast,” Sirius said, nudging Remus’ arm. He had seen him eyeing up the chocolate earlier but had been too polite to accept the offer. Sirius handed the boy one of his chocolate frogs.

“Thanks,” Remus said, with a small smile. James and Sirius continued to talk, and the other two listened. Sirius reckoned that if Peter weren’t feeling so grim then he’d probably be a bit more talkative.

Sirius kept glancing at the quiet one, Remus. Sirius had noticed that there was a few pale scars scattered across his body. A few pale, silver lines on his neck and near his jaw. There were also a few on his hands. The rest of his body was covered. Sirius wondered where he’d gotten them. Normally he wouldn’t be so tactful. He was usually rather blunt and upfront about most things.

Remus had retracted backwards, his legs no longer stretched out. In fact, he seemed to be trying to take up as little space as possible.

Near the end of the train journey, they’d managed to get more words from both of the other boys. Peter had felt better after many more sweets. How, Sirius wasn’t sure, since he’d never heard of sickness being cured by more sugar.

Remus had opened up a bit more too, and now the four boys knew quite a lot about each other. James was a pureblood, and an only child. His home life sounded amazing, with doting parents who gave him all their undying attention. He also seemed to be obsessed with Quidditch. It could be worse; it could be an obsession with blood supremacy.

Peter lived with his mother and was also an only child. His father had apparently left them when he was a toddler. Peter said his mum was a pureblood, and that his father was a wizard, he was just muggle born. It sounded to Sirius like the whole wizard thing had freaked out Peter’s dad’s parents, and they’d talked him into leaving Peter and his mother.

Remus was also a half blood. His father was apparently a wizard, and had gone to Hogwarts, but his mother was a muggle. When Remus spoke louder than he had earlier, Sirius noticed that his accent as different from the other. Sirius was well aware that he, himself, had a rather posh Londoner accent.

It took Sirius to realise that it was a Welsh accent, soft and melodic. It was quite comforting, really. Most people he met were from London, and he didn’t like most of them, so it was a nice change. James clearly hadn’t caught on quite so quickly.

“Where are you from? Your accent…” James asked, looking at Remus curiously.

“Oh,” Remus said, “South Wales. A place near Cardiff”.

“Oh right, that’s cool. Never been to Wales,” James said.

As the train journey neared its end, the boys were all caught off guard when a towering figure appeared outside the window. Hogwarts Castle.

It was even more magnificent than Sirius could have ever imagined, and he was speechless. He was overcome with a sense of belonging, already, and he hadn’t even stepped foot in it yet. He looked at the faces of the three other boys and realsied they were thinking the exact same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welsh Remus is one of my favourite headcanons, and i felt like i had to make him welsh purely because i am, and i just like the thought of me and him having whatever we can in common haha


	2. Missing - Year One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First week at Hogwarts

Once the train had arrived at the station in a small village called Hogsmeade, the fit years were rounded up and taken to the edge of a large river that stood between them and the school. The older students had gathered round a load of carriages, which seemed to pull themselves. The first years had boats instead. Remus, James, Peter and Sirius were all in the same one, now talking more quietly since they were surrounded by other people. The lake reflected the night sky perfectly, with small twinkling stars sat on the water beside them. Once they had arrived at the school, they all clambered out of the small rowing boats and made their way into the old building. James and Sirius were still talking as they walked up the stone steps. A ghost would occasionally fly past, shocking one or two of the Muggleborns.

Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle to himself when one flew right past Lily, the girl from the train. Severus must have explained it to her, as she began to look slightly more calm a few seconds afterwards. The next few minutes flew by in a rush of excitement. Before he knew it, Sirius was stood at the front of the hall students. They were all sat around four different tables, arranged by house. A stern looking woman, who looked to be in her fifties, stood in front of them. There was a chair beside her, which had an ugly old hat sat atop it. 

Then the Sorting Ceremony began. The thing Sirius had dreaded.

He was one of the first called, too, with everyone being called up in alphabetical order. When the woman called his name, he took a deep breath. He tried to look like he didn’t care. He was good at that. He sat on the chair as the woman lowered the hat onto his head. People who hadn’t been paying attention before were now staring at him. The Slytherins were staring because they knew he was almost certainly going to be sorted into Slytherin. He was a Black. It was practically already confirmed. The other three houses watched with interest, guessing the outcome, but waiting. Waiting for a surprise. Waiting for…

“Gryffindor!” the hat called out. Nobody clapped like they had done for the people before. Sirius felt his heart drop. This is what he had wanted. He wanted to be in anything but Slytherin, to prove a point. To prove that he wasn’t like his family. James wanted Gryffindor, so he would probably be with the friend he’d already become quite close with. But now it had actually happened, Sirius didn’t know what to do. He felt like he was frozen, stuck to the seat. Even the teacher beside him seemed stunned. Everyone sat before his had their mouths open, in shock.

Part of him had always expected he would be put into Slytherin, but he would never admit that. The Gryffindors started clapping, and eventually they all started cheering. So did the other students.

Not the Slytherins. Not Narcissa. His cousin was sat in shock, staring at him as if he had three heads. Sirius finally lifted himself off the seat and walked over to the Gryffindor table. After he’d been greeted by the other students, he felt much better. This was right. This was where he belonged.

He only felt more certain of this as the sorting ceremony continued. Lily, the girl from the train, was also sorted into Gryffindor, though she didn’t make any effort to greet him when she sat down. Next was Remus, who sat down next to him with a shy smile.

The Peter, and finally James. Sirius was rather satisfied with this, managing to be in the same house as every friend he’d made so far. James seemed overjoyed, a feeling that seemed to spread into everyone else sat around them.

Severus (Severus Snape was his fall name, Sirius had learnt during the ceremony) had been sorted into Slytherin, just like he’d wanted. Sirius had been watching him when Lily was sorted into Gryffindor and saw the moment when his face dropped into a look of despair. At least he’d gotten what he’d wanted, as he was now sat at the table decked out in green.

Throughout the welcoming feast, Sirius could feel a pair of eyes scowling at him. He lifted his head and looked directly in front of him, to find Narcissa watching him carefully. Mother probably ordered her to do that, he thought to himself. Oh well, in two years he’d be shot of her. James must have noticed this too, looking up at her.

“Why’s that girl staring at you?” James asked.

“She’s my cousin,” Sirius replied, “And I’m guessing my family asked her to watch me”.

“Right,” James said, looking at Sirius through the side of his eyes. Sirius realsied how completely insane his family must seem to James, a boy who had grown up in a happy, healthy and - most importantly – normal household.

Perhaps his family were insane, but Sirius was used to them by now.

The food at Hogwarts was delicious, and Sirius found himself having seconds – something he was never allowed to do at home. But he was eating nowhere near as much as the boy to his left was. Remus was loading up his plate for what seemed like the seventh time.

“You eat a lot, don’t you?” Sirius said. He felt James give him a disapproving look, clearly thinking that he was being far too blunt about it.

“I guess,” Remus replied, un-phased. Sirius wondered how he was still so lanky; with the amount he was eating.

About two hours later, the four boys were in their dormitory. When they were told they were sharing, they were all rather happy. In the room, there were four beds, with the headboards pressed against the slightly curved wall.

James took the one on the far left, Sirius took the one next to that, Remus was in the next and Peter was on the far right. At the end of each of their beds was a large, dark, wooden trunk, which was big enough to fit all of their things in and then some.

Beside each of their beds was a small set of drawers, with two draws stacked one on top of the other.

Their personalities were already showing, Sirius realsied. James had gotten out everything he needed for the next day, deciding to unpack everything else the next morning. Remus had already put everything away, folding his clothes carefully and stacking them neatly into the large box. Peter hadn’t unpacked anything and was instead lying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling.

Sirius had already made a mess. His clothes were thrown over his bed in a large pile, and he groaned as he realsied he could have to clear them before being able to go to bed.

“I can’t believe we’re not allowed our own broom for our first year! Can you believe that?” James said. He had been rambling on about Quidditch for the past half an hour.

“You can’t even join the Quidditch team in your first year. It’s unheard of, so I don’t know why you’re bothered,” Sirius replied.

“Quidditch?” Remus asked, looking up from where he was sat cross legged on his bed.

“Yeah, Quidditch,” Sirius replied, “Have you not been listening to him banging on about it?”

“Not really,” Remus admitted. He’d very clearly been trying to keep himself to himself.

“What is it?” Remus asked.

“Isn’t your dad a wizard? How don’t you know?” Sirius asked.

“He is, but he kinda left the wizarding world when I was about five. I was basically raised as a – what’s it you call ‘em? The non magic people?” Remus asked, scrunching up his nose in thought.

“Muggles,” James replied, a warm smile on his face.

“Why?” Sirius asked. James shot him another glance.

“Why, what?” Remus asked him, becoming slightly defensive.

“Why’d he leave?” Sirius asked, sitting down on his bed once he’d moved his clothes into the trunk at the end of the bed.

“I don’t know,” Remus snapped, looking away from him. The atmosphere of the room became tense. The four of them sat in an awkward silence for a few more minutes.

“Sorry,” Sirius said, finally, “I didn’t men to intrude”.

“Well, you did,” Remus said coldly, “But it’s fine. I get it’s probably weird to you”. Sirius took this as the best response he was going to get.

“Well, we’ll have to help you get used to everything I guess,” James said, kindly.

“Thanks,” Remus said shortly. James went back to talking all about Quidditch, claiming that he was going to try to find what times the Gryffindor Quidditch team was practicing so he could start making friends with them all. Sirius couldn’t help but admire his confidence.

Sirius, himself, was confident but he still cared what people thought about him, even though he would never show this. But James really didn’t seem to care. In his head, all of his plans would work out and nothing would ever go wrong for it.

He was also far kinder than Sirius, he noticed. James was making a real effort with Remus, by silently reprimanding Sirius for saying something that might be offensive and still offering to help him even after he’d snapped at them all. James had also made an effort to include Peter, who rather than talking just hung onto everyone else’s every word.

It started getting late, and Remus and Peter were already in their beds with the long red curtains drawn around their bed. Sirius was climbing into his own bed when he heard a noise coming from James’s.

“Psst,” the boy said. He was sat on his bed, knees drawn into his chest. Once he had Sirius’ attention, he used his hand to usher him over. Sirius clambered out of his bed and went to sit on James’s. James closed the curtains around it, giving Sirius a comforting smile.

He then muttered a spell and flicked his wand.

“What did that do?” Sirius asked, suddenly far more interested.

“It means they can’t hear us,” James said, making himself comfortable again, “Dad taught me it the other week, said he used it at school”.

“Could you teach me?” Sirius asked excitedly. James laughed quietly and nodded.

“Sorry, you can go back to bed if you want. I’m just not tired, that’s all,” James said.

“Neither am I,” Sirius beamed back, “What do you think Lupin’s deal is?”

“I don’t know. I think he’s just shy. He didn’t really speak to anyone, did he?” James replied with a sigh. Sirius shook his head.

“Maybe we should give him space. Let him speak when he wants to. Must be hard, not knowing much about magic. I reckon his parents probably wanted to keep him out of all the dark magic stuff that’s been going on,” James said. Sirius wondered how he did that, how he was so understanding.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Sirius mumbled back.

“What’s the deal with your cousin?” James asked suddenly.

“Weren’t you just telling me that we should give Lupin space?” Sirius joked.

“Yeah, but that was him. This is you. You don’t really seem like a shrinking violet,” James snorted.

“Rude, Potter,” Sirius replied.

“Come on, tell me,” James said, nudging Sirius’s shoulder.

“Fine. I think my family told her to watch me, to make sure I don’t do anything to disgrace the family. Guess I’ve messed that up already by being sorted into Gryffindor,” Sirius joked, “Which means I’ve embarrassed my family in about two hours? I’m pretty sure that’s a personal best”.

“You seem far too proud about it,” James said, folding his arms and raising an impressed eyebrow.

“I suspect I’ll get a howler from my mother tomorrow. I don’t agree with the whole blood supremacy thing, see. So, they’ve always thought I was a bit weird. I wasn’t very well behaved when I was younger, either, and I think mother’s worried that I’m going to mess everything up,” Sirius continued.

“You don’t say,” James laughed, “I thought you seemed like a perfect angel”.

“Looks can be deceiving,” Sirius replied ironically. The two boys talked and talked well into the night, until they were eventually yawning after every other word. Sirius slinked out of James’ bed and back to him own. His eyes closed as soon as his head hit the pillow, and it was one of the best night’s sleep he’d ever had.

He finally had a real friend.

He was woken up by James the next day.

“Wake up, sleeping beauty, the rest of us are awake,” said James, as he stuck his head through the closed curtains around Sirius’ bed. He had a grin on his face; the polar opposite of the death glare that Sirius was wearing.

“It’s far too early,” Sirius grumbled.

“It’s eight. Get up or you’ll miss breakfast,” James replied, opening Sirius’ curtains fully to let the light in. Why couldn’t he have made friends with someone who wasn’t a morning person, like him?

He forced himself to get up, out of bed. He moved so slowly that he almost thought he wasn’t walking at all, until he realsied that he’d reached the bathroom door. He had a shower and then put on his uniform. As soon as he’d been sorted into Gryffindor, his tie had turned red with gold stripes.

Other parts had also turned red, such as parts of his robes. There was now a Gryffindor emblem on his jumper, but he decided not to wear that. James and Peter were still sat in the dorm, waiting for Sirius so they could all go down together.

“Where’s Lupin?” Sirius asked.

“I don’t know. He was here when I woke up, but he was gone by the time I came back out of the bathroom,” James said. 

“He went to Dumbledore’s Office,” Peter said from the corner of the room.

“What? Why?” Sirius asked as he sorted out his hair in the mirror.

“Well, I don’t know. One of the older kids just came in and told him to go there now,” Peter explained.

“Maybe we should go and find him,” James said.

“I thought you said to leave him alone,” Sirius replied.

“I meant don’t try t get him to talk when he clearly doesn’t want to. But he doesn’t know anything about wizards, or the school and now he’s in Dumbledore’s office on the first day of school,” James said, “Maybe he could do with knowing someone cares, even if he won’t speak to us”.

“Yeah, alright. I’m ready whenever you are,” Sirius said, taking a seat on his bed.

“We’ve been ready for ages, you idiot, come on,” James said as he opened the door. Sirius rolled his eyes but jumped up to join the other two boys. The three of them wandered the halls, trying to figure out where the headmasters office was.

They eventually found it and waited outside. Peter sat on the floor; his arms wrapped around his legs. James and Sirius stood either side of him, leaning back on the ragged stone wall. It wasn’t very comfortable. It was also far too cold for Sirius’s liking.

“He might not even still be in there,” Peter said, as his stomach rumbled for the fifth time since they’d arrived. Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but the stone statue beside them started moving.

The three boys turned to look and watched as Remus walked down the stone steps. His expression was blank, not giving away anything.

“You haven’t got expelled already, have you?” Sirius asked him jokingly. Remus looked at the three boys, taken aback. Sirius, James and Peter smiled at him, trying to make him more comfortable.

“What…what are you doing here?” Remus asked them, still unsure.

“Pete said you were called into Dumbledore’s office earlier, and we wanted to check you were okay,” James said.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks. You didn’t have to,” Remus started mumbling, pulling the sleeves of his jumper down and over his hands.

“S’alright, what are friends for, eh?” James said, absentmindedly, “Come on, Pete’s stomach’s been rumbling all morning, we better get him to breakfast”.

Remus gave them all a small, anxious smile. The four of them walked down to the great hall, managing to catch the last ten minutes of breakfast. Once again, Sirius was amazed by how much Remus ate. He piled his plate high with toast, eggs, bacon and practically everything else on the table.

Sirius couldn’t help but stare as Remus cleared his entire plate. Remus caught him staring and gave him a funny look. The two looked away from each other quickly, as the atmosphere grew slightly tense.

“We have potions first, that sounds bloody rubbish,” James complained.

“Cheer up, we have flying second,” Sirius replied, prodding James’ arm. This did seem to make James a bit happier.

“Flying?” Remus asked, looking worried.

“Yeah, like on a broom. It’s really fun,” James said excitedly. Peter shook his head in disagreement, mumbling something about how “It’s not fun at all”. Remus smiled and nodded but didn’t look like he believed him.

Suddenly, an owl swooped into the hall. It had a red envelope in it's talons. That seemed about right. Sirius didn't even have to look at where the bird was flying to, as it dropped the letter on the table in front of Sirius. 

"This should be exciting," Sirius drawled. Remus looked confused as James and Peter exchanged an apprehensive look. Sirius peeled open the envelope, and the letter flew out of his hands to hover in the air. 

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK. HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE US LIKE THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ONE DAY, A SINGULAR DAY, AND YOU HAVE ALREADY BLEMISHED THE NAME OF THE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK! YOUR FATHER IS DISAPOINTED, AS AM I! YOU BEST NOT PUT ANOTHER FOOT OUT OF LINE, OR THERE WILL BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES! DO NOT DISAPOINT US, YOU KNOW THE REPUTATION WE ARE TO UPHOLD!" Sirius's mother's voice screeched from the letter. 

Sirius just winced as it spoke, as did half of the hall. His mother had a voice that was the human equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. Sirius had been expecting this, and he was used to his mother talking to him like this. But James looked appalled. The letter ripped itself up when it was done. 

"What the bloody hell was that?" Remus asked, his curiosity overpowering his desire to ignore everyone. 

"A howler," James replied, "But I've never heard one as awful as that". 

"That's my mother for you," Sirius sighed in exasperation, "Although I think it's a bit hypocritical to lecture me about upholding a reputation when she sends a letter of her screaming at me to open in front of the entire school". Sirius wasn't even embarrassed. Perhaps he would be if his family weren't so influential, but no one dared even laugh. Even if his family weren't happy with him at the moment, which they clearly weren't, it was still too risky. James just huffed, showing his disapproval over Sirius's family. 

That's what the privilege of having loving parents would do to you. 

Sirius considered himself the most unlucky person in the class once they arrived at potions. Not only did they share the lesson with the Slytherins, who he was trying to avoid for fear of running into Narcissa, but they were not allowed to pick who they sat next to.

If they had a choice, Sirius would obviously choose James. Or Peter, who seemed nice enough. Even Remus, who was quite honestly the most bizarre and strange person Sirius had ever met and he’d only known him less than a day.

But no.

He was sat next to Severus Snape, the boy from the train. Sirius was unsure why, but he already had a deep dislike for the boy who seemed to think he was better than everyone else. Snape sat down next to Sirius, shuffling his seat as far away from his as he could.

James had been put next to Peter, the lucky git, and Remus was sat with a girl called Mary, who was very loud but seemed okay. Better than Severus.

Sirius would have even taken the rather annoying girl, Lily, whom he’d also met on the train. At least he might get a bit of fun out of annoying her. Not in a horrible way, of course, but he found that if he annoyed people, they usually ended up finding him funny. But Severus seemed to have no sense of humour.

He acted like an adult. Not a fun adult who did whatever they wanted. Not even one that was mean, like Sirius’ own parents, because at least they had some class. No. Snape acted like one of those mundane adults. The ones that got off by doing paperwork (or whatever it was that adults did) and telling children how much better and smarter they were than them.

Sirius hated adults. But he hated those types the most.

The lesson passed extremely slowly. They didn’t actually do anything; it was more of an introduction. The main thing that Sirius took away from that lesson is that the teacher was a bit odd. Professor Slughorn. He was babbling and slightly idiotic, but he seemed harmless.

Maybe Sirius was just creeped out by the way that the teacher’s eyes lit up when he asked Sirius’s name. When he had replied “Sirius Black”, the teacher looked like he’d struck gold. For the rest of the lesson, Sirius could feel Slughorn’s eyes on him and he felt like an animal being stalked by its predator.

Second lesson, flying, was much better. Sirius wasn’t too bad; he had some experience with it unlike a lot of other people. He was still nowhere near as good as James. James had summoned his broom within a second and had hovered much higher from the ground than he was supposed to. Sirius had found this hilarious, watching Madame Hooch, a young woman with short, blonde hair, screaming at James to get down. Peter was laughing too. Even Remus had a small grin on his face.

***

The rest of the first week passed by fairly quickly. James and Sirius only got closer and within days considered one another best friends. Sirius wondered if this would be an issue for him in the future, whether he got too attached to people too quickly because he had spent most of his life without anyone there. But then he soon realsied he didn’t care. As long as he had some, that’s all that mattered.

Peter slotted in nicely with them, and the three often spent their free time wandering around the castle or relaxing in their dorm. Remus was still standoffish. After lessons had finished, he often disappeared until late evening; only reappearing at dinner time. He said a sentence or two to them a day, but apart from that he was clearly avoiding them.

Their first weekend, the three boys spent their time sitting outside, or in the common room playing wizard chess. Remus disappeared for the entire day on Saturday.

Sunday was no different. James, Sirius and Peter were in their dorm and it was getting later and later. James glanced at the clock, and suddenly sat up; his face scrunched up.

“Remus is usually back by now. He’s about an hour late,” James said.

“It’s Sunday. Maybe he just wanted to do a few more things before lessons start again,” Peter said, slightly bitterly. They had been speaking about Peter, and he’d been halfway through telling a story that he seemed to find very interesting.

“Pete’s right,” Sirius said, stifling a yawn. He and James had gotten into the habit of staying up late every night, talking about nothing in particular and it was starting to get to him.

James accepted this and didn’t bring it up until later that evening.

“Where is he?” James said, now sounding slightly worried.

“Does it matter? He hardly ever makes an effort to talk to us so why should we worry about him? He’s probably fine,” Peter grumbled.

“We should tell someone,” James said, ruffling his hair which made it puff up more than it usually did.

“If anything had happened, we’d probably know. Anyway, you wouldn’t want to get him in trouble, would you?” Sirius replied, pulling on his pyjama bottoms.

“I guess you’re right,” James sounded conflicted. But Sirius and Peter had managed to convince him. Sirius and James didn’t stay up talking that night for the first time since they’d been there. James didn’t call Sirius over, and Sirius didn’t really want to go anyway. He was tired and he knew James would spend the whole time fretting about Remus.

Remus wasn’t back the next morning. And James had seemingly had enough.

“Right, we have to go to McGonagall,” James declared. McGonagall was the teacher who had done the sorting ceremony; a tall, spindly woman who looked to be in her late fifties.

“You’re right,” Sirius said. Even he was worrying about the boy now. Maybe he secretly had, last night. He wasn’t too sure. The three quickly got ready, before practically sprinting to McGonagall’s classroom. This happened to be where their first lesson was anyway.

They didn’t even knock, which was rather brave considering McGonagall was considered one of the strictest teachers at Hogwarts. They weren’t put in Gryffindor for nothing.

The professor looked up, a disorientated look on her face.

“Can I help you boys?” McGonagall asked, her voice high pitched. Her Scottish accent was harder to detect than normal, so Sirius assumed she must be panicked by their own looks of urgency.

“Professor, we should have told you last night. Remus never came back to our dorm last night, and he’s still not back,” James babbled. The other two stood behind him and just nodded along. The worry disappeared from the woman’s face.

“I would have thought that Mr Lupin would have told you where he was going. I’m assuming that he did not?” she asked. James gave Sirius a confused looked.

“Where did he go? Do you know? Is he okay?” James asked, still visibly anxious.

“I don’t feel like it is my place to tell you. I can assure you; Mr Lupin is quite alright,” McGonagall said.

“Will he be back? He hasn’t left Hogwarts or anything, has he?” James asked.

“No, he hasn’t left Hogwarts. I’m sure you will see him at some point today. I’m sure Mr Lupin will appreciate how much you all care,” McGonagall said, a smile tugging at her lips, “Although I still don’t understand why Mr Lupin didn’t mention his absence to you”.

“He doesn’t speak to us much,” Sirius piped up, “Keeps himself to himself most of the time”.

“I see,” McGonagall said, nodding her head slowly. That seemed to be the end of the conversation, as she stood up and reopened the door.

“You may go now,” McGonagall said, with a nod of her head. Peter, James and Sirius all obeyed. They made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. Surely Remus wasn’t going to miss a meal; all the boy seemed to do was eat and sleep. But he wasn’t there.

So, he hadn’t slept (or at least not in his normal bed) and he hadn’t eaten (or at least he hadn’t eaten in the Great hall like everyone else). This made Remus seem all the more strange to Sirius.

The three of them went back to the transfiguration classroom, where they’d been only a few minutes earlier. They slumped into their seats, being the last three that had entered the room. Sirius noticed a bunch of pale brown curls sat a few seats in front of him.

It was definitely Remus.

How had he just reappeared without saying a single thing?

Sirius caught James’s attention, and nodded his head towards the other boy. James caught on instantly, and the two spent the entire lesson trying to get Lupin’s attention.

“Lupin,” Sirius hissed, “Hey, Remus”. No response. James threw a ball of crumpled paper, but narrowly missed. No response; obviously. Nothing worked.

After class, Remus rushed out of the room, but Sirius and James were prepared for this. Peter wasn’t and ended up grabbing his bag and clumsily chasing after all the others.

“Hey! Remus!” James called as they hurried through the corridors. Remus finally stopped.

“What d’you want?” Remus asked, impatiently.

“Where were you last night? We were worried,” James said, looking wounded by the other boy’s cruel tone. Peter had finally caught up with them all, and was bent down, resting his hands on his knees as he panted loudly.

“Well, you shouldn’t be worried, we’re not friends,” Remus snapped, before storming off. Sirius frowned after him, disliking how rude he had been to James.

What was that boy’s problem? And why was he so adamant about being lonely?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that anyone who is reading this (if anyone is haha) is enjoying it. I promise it will get much better, I'm just trying to establish characters and their backgrounds currently. :)


	3. Detention - Year One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mention of fighting, family issues, bullying and body image

“I hope he’s okay,” James said. Sirius looked at him, to check if he was being serious.

“He’s fine, he’s just being a prick,” Sirius murmured.

“Sirius, a word please?” a sharp voice said from behind him. Sirius felt his shoulders dropped as he reluctantly turned to face his cousin. Narcissa was stood tall, her head held high. Sirius shrugged, showing her that she could talk now.

“I meant alone,” she added, looking in disdain at James and Peter. Sirius glared at her but took a step towards her. With that, Narcissa turned and trotted off, expecting Sirius to follow her.

“See you two later,” Sirius grumbled to them both, following his cousin, dragging his feet as he did so. They turned a corner, and they were alone.

“I was supposed to talk to you last week, but I thought you’d get the message after your mothers’ howler. Looking at who you’re associating yourself with, I’m guessing that the message didn’t quite sink in,” Narcissa sighed. She had her arms crossed over her torso, and she shook her head so that her newly dyed platinum blonde hair flicked over her shoulder.

“I know that you’re the one who snitched on me, that you told her I wasn’t sorted into Gryffindor,” Sirius said, not being able to think of anything else to say.

“I wouldn’t be that petty. Look, I really don’t care what you do. But I was told to keep an eye on you, and if you do anything too,” Narcissa said in a hushed whisper, “ _rebellious_ then I’ll get some of the blame. She didn’t need me to tell her. You’re the first lack in centuries who wasn’t sorted into Slytherin. I heard you even managed to get a spot in the paper”.

Sirius lowered his head. He didn’t _like_ Narcissa, but he didn’t hate her. He shouldn’t have assumed.

“Sorry,” Sirius muttered, ever so slightly stubbornly.

“Just lie low for a bit, distance yourself from those pathetic friends of yours and stay away from me? Okay,” Narcissa said.

“They’re my friends,” Sirius said, through gritted teeth. Narcissa looked him up and down before shaking her head.

“Just be careful, I don’t want to see you end up like ‘Meda,” Narcissa warned before strutting away. That felt weird. Most people in Sirius’s family just pretended that Andromeda didn’t exist.

 _Stay away from me,_ Sirius thought of what Narcissa had said to him, she had no right to say that considering she was the one that approached him.

“What did she want?” James asked. Sirius brightened t the fact his friends hadn’t moved, that they’d waited for him.

“Just family stuff,” Sirius replied, “Come on, we have charms next. We might be able to get more out of Lupin”. James looked at him with concern in his eyes.

Sirius didn’t blame him. Family stuff could be literally anything as far as the Black family was concerned. It could be as simple as ‘What are we having for dinner tonight?’ to ‘Who have we exiled from the family?’. Both of these were conversations that had taken place in Sirius’s house.

Remus completely ignored them for the rest of the day, and after a receiving a particularly nasty look from the boy, Sirius decided to give up. James, Peter and Sirius didn’t talk about him after that, just going about their day normally.

When they got back to their dormitory after classes, Remus was already there. He was sat on his bed, looking rather uncomfortable. His eyes were closed, and Sirius realised how tired he looked. He wasn’t asleep though, that was obvious.

“You alright, mate?” James asked him. Remus looked at him with uncertainty.

“I’m fine,” Remus said, sitting up stiffly.

“Do you want to tell us where you’ve been?” James coaxed.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Considering we aren’t your friends,” Sirius said spitefully, suddenly remembering the anger he had felt towards Remus earlier for talking to James so cruelly.

“I was visiting my mum. She’s ill, you see,” Remus replied, sounding annoyed. Sirius felt guilty at hearing this.

“You could have told us,” James said, frowning slightly. He didn’t say it in a rude tone, just concerned and comforting.

“Well maybe I didn’t want to. I’ve known you all less than a week,” Remus snapped, focusing his eyes on a patch on the carpet to avoid making eye contact with any of them.

“He’s being nice,” Sirius replied angrily.

“I didn’t ask him to be,” Remus replied coldly. Sirius felt more anger surge through him.

“Fine, we won’t be anymore!” Sirius fumed.

“Fine by me!” Remus barked, before walking out of the room and slamming the door. The room stayed quiet for a moment. Sirius knew that Peter was waiting for James to react, so he could side with him.

“You should have just left him,” James said with a sigh, “He was lying. Well, maybe his mum really is ill, but there’s something he’s not telling us”.

“How do you know?” Sirius asked, puzzled.

“He’s been limping all day. He’s injured. We ought to be a bit more understanding. We don’t know anything about him, apart from the fact that he’s pretty clueless about all this,” James informed them, referring to the magic that they were all so used to that seemed so unfamiliar for Remus.

“He still shouldn’t speak to you like that,” Sirius replied.

“My knight in shining armour!” James called out, jumping up and wrapping an arm round Sirius. Sirius started laughing, attempting to push the boy away.

“Get off of me,” Sirius complained as he laughed more.

“Come on, Pete,” James said, extending an arm. Peter looked unsure, but James grabbed his arm and pulled him into the hug. Peter and Sirius squirmed, but even at the age of twelve, James was able to overpower them both.

The three of them went to bed that night in a good mood, and the argument with Remus had left Sirius’ mind. Until he came back into the room later that evening. Remus ignored them, so they all ignored him.

Sirius figured that’s how it would work from now on. He hadn’t been this distant on the train, and Sirius wondered what had changed. Maybe Remus had just decided he didn’t like them, that he didn’t want to be friends with them.

That would mean that he didn’t like anyone at Hogwarts though, because the boy had no other friends. That all changed the next week.

***

It was exactly a week and two days since any of the other boys had spoken to Remus. They were in potions, and Sirius was leaning back on his chair, seeing how far he could tilt it backwards without falling off it. He was the only one sitting down since everyone else was fretting over their potions.

Snape had taken charge, as he usually did in potions, and wasn’t allowing Sirius anywhere near it. He was okay with that; he didn’t even know what they were supposed to be making. James and Peter were laughing with one another on the other side of the room, as James held up what looked like a rat’s tail up to Peter’s face.

Sirius allowed himself to glance at Remus. He hadn’t seemed as angry lately, perhaps grateful that they’d finally left him alone. Mary, his partner, was chattering away and Sirius managed to overhear small snippets of the conversation.

“We go over there quite a lot, actually. Most of my family still live out there. I don’t mind, the weather’s far better in the Caribbean than here,” Mary said, letting out a small giggle. Remus didn’t seem that interested but nodded along lazily. Why wasn’t he getting mad at her?

Then Sirius realised it was because Mary was talking about herself, and not trying to get to know Remus. That’s where they’d gone wrong. But why was he so guarded? What was he hiding?

“Are you alright, Severus? Why isn’t Black helping you?” Lily asked from the desk beside them. Of course, she would assume that Sirius was being lazy. Well, he was, but only because Snape had essentially forced him into it.

“I’m okay Lily, how’s yours coming along?” Snape replied. Sirius hated how his voice changed when he spoke to Lily. He sounded desperate, and pretty pathetic in Sirius’s opinion. It was clear that he was pining after the girl. Sirius couldn’t imagine being like that; trailing after someone like a little lost puppy.

“Lily,” Mary called from across the room, “Could you help us quickly?”

“Of course!” Lily said, as she scurried away eagerly to help her friend. Snape glared over at Mary, and then to Remus, who Lily was also now talking to. Remus looked utterly out of place, an uncomfortable and anti-social mess.

“You shouldn’t have to help them Lily, if they’re too idiotic to do it themselves,” Snape said, looking at Remus and Mary with what looked like pure hatred.

“I don’t mind,” Lily murmured back, looking to Remus and Mary apologetically. Mary crossed her arms and scowled at the boy. Remus didn’t react. Snape continued to glare over at Mary, Remus and Lily for the rest of the class.

“Jealous, Snape?” Sirius snickered.

“What would you know, Black?” Snape replied. Sirius just laughed again, knowing that he was getting under Snape’s skin. James and Peter came over to him at the end of the lesson, and the three of them walked out into the courtyard. They had a bit of time before their next lesson, so they sat on one of the stone benches that sat under a large oak tree.

Remus came out of the classroom after everyone else. He was always last out. Sirius guessed it must be the easiest way of avoiding people. Snape and some of his friends, that were somehow even creepier than him, were leaning by one of the walls.

“Oi, Lupin!” one of them called over. Remus ignored him and carried on walking; his eyes fixed to the pavement in front of him. They found this far funnier than it was. In fact, it wasn’t actually funny.

“I’d stay away from him if I were you,” Snape said quietly to his friend. James had now sat up and was watching the situation carefully. He was getting ready to defend Remus, and for some reason Sirius felt himself feeling overprotective of the boy, despite their argument and subsequent avoidance.

“What d’you want?” Remus asked, looking frustrated.

“Watch it, Snape,” James warned, jumping up and going to stand beside Remus. Remus looked over at James, surprised to see him standing up for him.

“You can’t blame me, can you? Honestly, look at him. He’s covered in scars, he’s clearly one of those thugs that goes around fighting. He’s not safe” Snape scoffed. At the mention of his scars, Sirius watched as Remus retreated back into himself. He looked smaller somehow. He was looking at Snape with glassy eyes, and Sirius didn’t know whether Remus was going to cry or punch him.

Sirius hoped it was the second. James had continued to grow angrier. Sirius noticed that now James, Remus and even himself all had their hands balled into fists. Sirius approached James and Remus as Snape continued to talk.

“Not only that, but he doesn’t have any friends! Even you lot,” Snape continued, gesturing to Sirius and James, “Don’t seem to want him. And you three are the biggest misfits there are! It’s rather pathetic really.”

All three of them stood glaring at him.

“Just because you’re jealous that Lily spoke to him. Honestly, how insecure are you?” Sirius said, taking a step towards Snape.

“Don’t even get me started on you, Black. I heard that howler you were sent. You can’t exactly go and cry to mummy about it, can you?” Snape continued.

That was it.

Sirius and Remus seemed to both lunge for Snape at the same time. James had to force himself out of his anger suddenly as he realised what the other two were doing.

He jumped forwards and managed to pull them both boys backwards just as Sirius’s fist was about to connect with Snape’s face. Sirius didn’t know how he managed to pull them both away simultaneously. Both Sirius and Remus were fighting against James pretty hard, desperate to get back at Severus in some way. Sirius had no idea how James was managing to keep a hold of them both. Maybe he just had superhuman strength, that was the only reasonable explanation.

Remus managed to break away from James a few seconds later, but at that point Snape had already retreated to stand behind his much bigger, and scarier friends. Sirius wasn’t stupid, he knew that Remus and him didn’t stand a chance against Mulciber, a skyscraper of a boy who was about four times the width of him.

Sirius managed to push James off him, and Remus was trying to get back some composure, as he stretched out his arms in front of him, making a satisfying clicking sound.

“Would any of you care to explain what that was?” McGonagall demanded, storming over to the group of boys.

Sirius and Remus didn’t reply, instead choosing to glare over at Snape. Sirius wasn’t sure why this had affected him so much. He didn’t care what people said about him, but he had felt a need to stand up for Remus, for whatever reason.

“Really, nothing? None of you have anything to say?” the woman continued, looking around at all of them.

“Snape, Black and Lupin,” McGonagall commanded, “come with me”.

“What about me?” James asked with a frown.

“I didn’t see you do anything wrong, Mr Potter,” McGonagall said, sounding tired despite the fact it was only halfway through the week. Sirius rolled his eyes at James, who blinked hard.

“Come along,” McGonagall ordered, as she walked away, towards her classroom. James gave Sirius an apologetic look before walking back to Peter. Snape walked ahead of Remus and Sirius, who were sulking as they walked beside each other. A truce seemed to have been called between the two of them.

Once in her classroom, the teacher walked to the front of the room and stood behind her desk. The three boys stood in front of her with their heads lowered.

“Now, I don’t believe I will get any of you to explain what happened,” McGonagall ranted, “But what I saw was you three about to get into a physical fight. Now, I don’t know who started it, so you will all be punished equally. Three weeks detention for all of you”.

“But…,” Snape began to argue.

“I do not want to hear it, Mr Snape,” the woman said. That shut him up.

“However, it does not seem like you three are able to act civil towards one another,” she continued, “So Snape, you will be serving detention with Professor Slughorn. Black and Lupin, you two will be with me”.

This made Sirius a little less annoyed about the whole thing.

“You may go,” McGonagall said, with a flick of her hand. Snape grumbled under his breath as he left. Sirius went to talk to Remus, but he got away before he could say a word. James was waiting for Sirius and became animated as soon as he saw him.

“So? How much trouble are you in?” James asked. Peter didn’t look as concerned as James, but he was stood there and listened anyway.

“Three weeks detention with McGonagall. Snape has it with Slughorn though, so at least there’s that,” Sirius shrugged casually. He’d already had two detentions already, for not doing his homework. He was expecting to get a lot more. Three weeks wouldn’t hurt.

“I feel bad,” James whined, “Let me go and ask McGonagall to give me detention too”. Sirius was about to tell him not to do that, but James was already off. He opened the doors to the transfiguration classroom and strutted in.

“Professor McGonagall,” James said. Sirius slapped his palm over his face. This wasn’t going to go well. Sirius and Peter didn’t follow him in, deciding to stand just outside so they were able to listen to their conversation.

“Can I help you Mr Potter?” McGonagall asked, sounding surprised.

“I deserve a detention, not just Black. Please give me detention, Professor, I can’t let Sirius get all the blame,” James moaned.

“You did nothing to deserve a detention Mr Potter,” McGonagall said, sounding amused, “In fact, you actually tried to stop them. Ten points to Gryffindor”.

“What?” James asked.

“You may go now Mr Potter,” the teacher said. Sirius couldn’t see him, but he knew James was about to argue back.

“If you argue any more then I will award you even more house points,” she threatened. The sound of James’ shoes running on the stone floor began to get louder as he hurriedly came out of the room.

“I tried,” James apologised, “I really did”.

“I know,” Sirius said with a smile.

***

Sirius spent the rest of the day wondering why Snape’s words have gotten to him so much.

Firstly, there was the fact that he felt he had to protect Remus. Why was that? He knew he’d feel the same way about James and even Peter. He wouldn’t even think twice about defending them. But Remus had snapped at them all. He hadn’t even tried to make friends.

Instead of making him dislike Remus, it made him curious. He felt sorry for this mysterious boy who seemed to push everyone away. Sirius knew what it was like to feel alone, to feel like no one understood you. It was awful. He didn’t want Remus to feel like that, even if he was rather rude.

Then there was the whole comment about his family. Sirius didn’t like his family; he didn’t _want_ them to like him. But Snape had made it sound like they didn’t even care about him. Maybe they didn’t.

Good, he thought to himself. He’d be okay. He didn’t need them. He had James now. And Peter. He was on good terms with pretty much everyone else in the year too.

He arrived at McGonagall’s room after school had finished to find Remus leaning against the wall outside. Remus nodded to him, and Sirius nodded back. They entered the room in silence, and McGonagall greeted them with a smile.

Sirius and Remus sighed, each slumping into a seat. They sat in silence for the entire thing, that first detention. And every detention after that, until the last week.

They only had about three detentions left with one another, and Sirius couldn’t wait until they ended. He found that sitting there, doing nothing, was actually much more of a punishment than being forced to clean some obscure part of the castle.

It was Friday, the 1st of October, which meant that they had now been at Hogwarts for a month. And it had flown by. Sirius hoped that not all of his time at Hogwarts would go by that quickly.

Sirius and Remus entered the class as normal. Taking their regular seats. They were at the front of the class, and there was an empty desk between the two boys. McGonagall greeted them with her usual, polite (yet somehow scary. Seriously, how could a smile be scary?) smile.

“Take a seat, both of you,” she said, “I have to talk to Dumbledore, so I will be leaving you alone for a while. I’m guessing that the worst thing for both of you will be to sit in silence. So that is what you will do”. With that, she stood up and left.

“You know we could just leave,” Sirius said. This was the first time either of them had spoken to one another in weeks.

“She’d find out,” Remus replied. They sat in silence for a few minutes, avoiding looking at each other.

“I’m sorry about being a bit of a dick the other day,” Remus said. Sirius chuckled at this.

“It’s alright. I shouldn’t have tried to pry,” Sirius replied.

“You didn’t have to go after Snape earlier, by the way. I could have handled him on my own,” Remus added.

“Well, it wasn’t all for you. He said some stuff about me too,” Sirius sighed. The silence returned.

“Do you fight a lot?” Sirius asked, “I just thought about what Snape said”.

“Nah,” Remus replied shortly. Sirius decided to test the waters, to see how much he could get out of Remus.

“Where’d you get them then?” Sirius asked. He knew that if James ever found out that he’d asked this then he’d probably kill him for being insensitive. But James wasn’t here.

“Well,” Remus said, a twinkle appearing in his eye that Sirius hadn’t seen before, “Actually, I’m part of this fighting club, right. Never lost a fight, despite all the scars”.

“Really?” Sirius asked, his eyes growing wide. It didn’t sound like Sirius’s idea of fun; it was far too violent. But he also thought it made Remus so cool.

“No, you dolt!” Remus snorted, laughing at Sirius’ gullibility. Sirius started laughing too. He hadn’t expected Remus to be so sarcastic. He liked it. Sirius should have seen this as a sign to stop asking questions. He knew they’d made a tiny bit of progress, and he didn’t want to ruin that. But he was curious. Remus crossed his arms on his desk and rested his head on them. His posture wasn’t great, Sirius noticed. God, he sounded like his dad.

That wasn’t good. But it was better than sounding like his mother.

“Why don’t you talk to anyone?” Sirius asked suddenly. Remus blinked at him, looking a bit put out by his sudden outburst.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, sitting up straight. His hair had fallen over his eyes, but Sirius could make out the uncomfortable expression on his face by the fact that he was now biting his lip anxiously.

“I just noticed that whenever someone tries to talk to you, then you ignore them. You’re hardly ever in the common room or the dorm, at mealtimes you just eat and hardly say anything and even in potions I could see that you were letting Mary do all the talking,” Sirius explained.

When Remus didn’t respond, Sirius realsied that maybe that was a bit full on,

“Sorry. It’s none of my business,” he added.

“No, it’s fine. I just…” Remus said, staring so hard at the desk in front of him that Sirius thought he’d burn a hole in it, “I’m not used to making friends. I’ve never actually had one”.

“Why?” Sirius asked, not caring how aloof he sounded.

“Moved around a lot. I don’t even know how many houses I’ve lived in,” Remus muttered, sounding hopeless.

“Oh. That sounds crap,” Sirius said, hoping to break some of the tension.

“Yeah. It was pretty crap,” Remus replied, smiling at Sirius awkwardly.

“Well, you’re stuck here for the next seven years. You might as well make some friends,” Sirius said, smiling back.

“Mmm” Remus replied thoughtfully, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead,” Sirius said, shuffling about in his seat.

“How the hell does Quidditch work? I heard James talking about it, so I went to find a book about it in the library. It does not make any sense?” Remus asked.

Sirius howled with laughter at the sincere look on Remus’ face. It was such a bizarre question for him to ask, considering they had only just started to get to know each other. Remus eventually started laughing too.

“I’ll have to get James to explain that one to you,” Sirius replied as he shook his head.

McGonagall came back at that moment, and both boys stopped laughing in an instant. She walked to her desk and sat behind it, looking at one boy and then to the other. Sirius accidently made eye contact with her, and she simply raised an eyebrow with a knowing smile on her face.

She was smarter than he’d given her credit for. He suddenly realsied that she hadn’t had to go anywhere. She just wanted the boys to be alone so Remus would finally be forced into making a friend.

Sirius looked back over to Remus. That was a mistake. It’s always harder not to laugh when you know you’re not supposed to. Smiles spread over both of their faces, and they snapped their heads round so they were no longer making eye contact. They chuckled gently to themselves.

They weren’t stupid, they knew they weren’t falling McGonagall. An amused smile appeared on the old woman’s face, before she said,

“You two are free to go. Same time on Monday”.

Remus and Sirius nodded as they jumped up from their seats, leaving the room still trying not to laugh. That was easier than Sirius had expected. 


	4. Quidditch - Year One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: big trigger warning for abuse (tense family relationships, physical abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse) - deals with Sirius's family  
> slight mention of injury, nothing graphic

“What’s the point of the rest of the game then? If you need to catch the snitch thing or whatever to win?” Remus asked, his nose scrunched up as he tried to understand.

“Well, you don’t _need_ to catch the snitch to win, it just helps,” James replied. When Sirius and Remus had returned to their dorm after their detention, still bursting into laughter every few seconds in that sort of infectious and uncontrollable way that you couldn’t control, James had given Sirius a confused look.

Sirius replied with a shrug, deciding he’d explain it later during one of their late-night talks. After that, James had spent the next two hours trying to explain Quidditch to a clueless Remus. It was as if the last few weeks had never happened. Sure, Remus was still very quiet and didn’t speak much. But he wasn’t angry and he wasn’t avoiding them.

“I give up. I definitely won’t be playing it,” Remus muttered, stretching out on his bed.

“You’ve reminded me actually, Quidditch practice starts tomorrow,” James said, “Apparently this guy called Fabian is the captain this year”.

“And what’s the plan?” Sirius asked, after stifling a yawn.

“I’m going to convince him that I deserve to be on the team with my charm and obvious talent,” James said, a wicked grin on his face, “Obviously”.

“The teams already been chosen,” Peter squeaked, as if he were nervous to correct James.

“I know. You’d have to be a bloody good player to get on the team during your first year, anyway. I mean next year. It wouldn’t hurt to start preparing a year early,” James explained.

“What team do you support?” Sirius asked James as he fixed his hair; looking in the nearest mirror he could find which just so happened to be the one in the bathroom.

“Wimbourne Wasps,” James responded with a grin.

“Piss off! Me too,” Sirius exclaimed, looking excitedly at him.

“I thought the Black family supported the Appleby Arrows,” James said, his eyebrow raised.

“Exactly,” Sirius replied slyly. James shook his head and laughed gently.

“How desperate are you to disappoint them?” James asked him, flopping back onto his bed.

“Very,” Sirius replied smugly.

“I’m lost. Do you know what they’re on about?” Peter asked Remus nervously. Remus stared at him.

“No,” Remus replied shortly. Sirius knew what Remus actually wanted to say was ‘No, of course I don’t. I grew up essentially as a Muggle and until a few days ago, I had no idea what Quidditch was. Why on Earth would I know anything about the rivalries between Quidditch teams?’.

“The Wilbourne Wasps are the Appleby Arrows biggest rivals. The fans basically hate each other,” James explained softly. Peter nodded to show he understood.

The rest of the evening was the same as it usually was. James and Sirius spoke most of the time, and occasionally Peter would speak up to add a comment or to ask a question. Remus hardly said anything. In fact, he might as well not have been there. But Sirius knew he was listening. And it was nice for him to just sit there, even if he didn’t know or care about whatever they were saying.

When it was time for them to go to bed, they did their normal routine. Apart from one thing.

“Night,” Remus said tiredly before shutting the curtains around his bed. James gave Sirius another surprised look.

“Night,” James replied cheerily, if not a little confused. James didn’t even have to ask Sirius. He went and sat on James’s bed, as the other boy turned the lights off. James came back over to his bed, shut the curtains and cast the spell that meant the others were unable to hear them.

“What happened in that detention?” James asked.

“He said sorry for acting like the other day. I don’t really know how we got on such friendly terms. Guess it was easier than sitting there ignoring each other, like we’ve been doing the whole time,” Sirius shrugged.

“I wonder what made him do that,” James mused.

“Don’t know. But he’s bloody funny. I wish he’d open up more. Bet he’d have loads of friends if he tried,” Sirius said.

“Maybe he doesn’t want loads of friends,” James said. Sirius hated that James was so understanding. But he also loved it.

“Said he moved around a lot as a kid. So he’s never had friends before,” Sirius said, stifling yet another yawn.

“Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want any. Maybe he doesn’t like change. And if he’s not used to having any friends, and suddenly gets thrown into a castle full of kids who come from a society he knows nothing about, it might be a bit overwhelming,” James said thoughtfully.

“Are you fifty years old, or what? Why do you know so much?” Sirius asked, laughing at the boy.

“Must just be a lot smarter than you,” James chuckled, readjusting his glasses. Sirius scoffed at this and punched James gently on the shoulder.

***

“Right, lads!” James said with a clap of his hands, as he entered the dormitory the next morning. Since it was a Saturday, Sirius was still lying in his bed. It was 11 AM, and Sirius was yet to move from the position he had slept in. The other three boys had already been to breakfast and, due to the red on their cheeks and their windswept hair, to watch the Quidditch practice that morning.

Sirius groaned and rubbed his eyes, stretching up until he was leaning against the headboard.

“It’s too early for this,” he grumbled to himself. Peter was looking at James expectantly, and Remus was resting on his bed, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“I think it’s time we get back as our good old friend Severus,” James said, a grin spreading over his face.

“Why? What’s he done to you?” Peter asked, tilting his head.

“Nothing to _me._ But he was acting like a prick to Black and Lupin,” James said, his voice in an almost scolding tone. Sirius noticed a surprised look appear on Remus’s face when James said his name.

“I like your thinking, Potter,” Sirius said, forgetting all about his early morning complaints, “What did you have in mind?”.

“Nothing in particular,” James said, sitting cross-legged at the foot of Sirius’s bed, “But since it’s the weekend I thought we could use our free time to brainstorm a few ideas”.

“Ah, I see,” Sirius laughed slightly. James and Sirius looked over at Remus and Peter in an attempt to figure out their thoughts.

“Are you sure? It seems a bit childish to get back, doesn’t it?” Peter asked timidly.

“You don’t really think its childish Pete, you’re just scared of getting caught,” Sirius replied, looking at Peter intensely. Remus stifled a laugh.

“Lupin?” James asked him, leaning in the direction of his bed.

“Could be fun, I s’pose,” Remus shrugged, but Sirius could see the excitement in his eyes.

“Okay boys,” Sirius said as he pushed the covers off him, “I always think better when my hair looks good”.

“So, you just never think well, then?” James asked, receiving a shove in the back of the head from Sirius as he walked past.

“Shut up, Potter. I’m going t get ready,” Sirius replied, “I expect good ideas when I get back”.

Sirius went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He tried to think of good ideas but found himself stumped. After showering and getting ready, he had no further luck. Neither had any of the others.

After a wasted morning, the four boys trudged down to the Great Hall for lunch. Sirius knew that his eyebrows were furrowed, as were James’ and Remus’s. They were all deep in thought until-

“Why don’t we just drop this? We’ve got no ideas,” Peter said, biting his lip anxiously. Sirius rolled his eyes, but wrapped an arm round Peter’s shoulders and pulled him close.

“Come on Pete don’t be such a wuss. We won’t let anything happen to you. And if you get detention, you’ll be fine. Lupin and I survived it, old McGonagall isn’t that scary,” Sirius said with a laugh.

Remus and Jams coughed awkwardly. Sirius looked at them to find James running a hand through his hair and Remus with his hands in his pockets, feet shuffling awkwardly. Sirius groaned and realsied what he had done.

“Less of the old, please, Mr Black,” McGonagall said to him as he turned to look at her.

“Of course, you don’t look a day over twenty, Professor,” Sirius replied with a flash of his perfect smile, letting go of Peter.

McGonagall hummed, eyeing Sirius suspiciously.

“Do I want to know why you’re telling Mr Pettigrew that he shouldn’t worry about receiving a detention? I hope you’re not planning on getting another anytime soon,” McGonagall asked, clasping her hands in front of her.

“I don’t think you’d like the answer to either of them,” Sirius replied, still grinning.

“I’m sure I wouldn’t,” McGonagall said sternly, but Sirius could see an amused look creeping onto her face.

“Well, I wish we could stay and chat,” Sirius said, starting to walk backwards, “But lunch starts in a minute and we’re all starving”. He left while he could, with the other three boys following shortly behind him. Peter looked worried, which made Sirius laugh.

“You’re pushing your luck with her, you know,” James warned Sirius, who just shrugged. Remus was smiling, looking the happiest that Sirius had seen him so far. The four of them sat down at the Gryffindor table, some of the first people there. Remus started piling his plate high with food, and Sirius watched him, like he always did.

“What?” Remus asked when he caught Sirius staring, “Why do you always look at me like that when I eat?”.

“I don’t…” Sirius started, suddenly getting embarrassed.

“Yes, you do,” Remus replied bluntly, before he started eating from the tower of sandwiches in front of him. Sirius looked to James for help, but James just gave him a warning look.

“It’s just that you eat a lot,” Sirius mumbled, “And you don’t seem to put on any weight”.

“Fast metabolism,” Remus replied dryly, taking another bite from his sandwich. The others all started eating when a familiar face suddenly walked through the doors.

“Maybe we should watch him,” James muttered, “It might help us get more ideas of what we could do”. Snape stalked over to the Slytherin table, sitting next to a group of rather scary looking boys.

“Why is he wearing a Slytherin jumper? It’s Saturday and it’s not like being in Slytherin is something to be proud of,” Sirius scowled.

“But he thinks it is” Remus said, putting down his food and sitting up straight.

“You have an idea,” James realsied, his eyes widening.

“I might do,” Remus answered, “I might do. He loves being in Slytherin, thinks it makes him better than us. I don’t know much about your family, Black, but he seems to think they’re better than you because they’re in Slytherin and you’re in Gryffindor.”.

Sirius gulped at the mention of his family but nodded along, wondering where he was going with this.

“Well, he clearly hates Gryffindor. So, perhaps wearing a Gryffindor jumper would be his worst nightmare. Or something slightly more extreme than that,” Remus said, his eyes sparkling.

“Lupin, you’re a bloody genius,” Sirius breathed out. James nodded in agreement. Peter screwed up his face, and Sirius knew that he was torn. He could tell that Peter was trying to decide whether he should pretend that he knew what the others were thinking, so he could look intelligent, or whether he should ask what they meant, so he could feel included. Sirius felt bad for the boy and decided to speak up.

“Changing the colour of their robes is a great idea,” Sirius said in a hushed voice. He saw enlightenment appear in Peter’s eyes and smiled to himself slightly.

“Let’s not talk about it hear,” James replied, somehow in an even quieter voice, “We’ll regroup in the dorm”.

“Regroup? We’re all together already,” Remus replied, looking at James blankly.

“Effect, Lupin. It’s all for effect,” James replied, smiling knowingly. Remus just raised his eyebrows before looking back down at his food. They finished their lunch, before ‘regrouping’ in their dormitory.

Sirius sat down on James bed, before James jumped onto the bed beside him. His glasses slipped down his nose slightly, and when he gotten comfortable, he readjusted them. Remus was sat on his own bed, and Peter was sat on the floor in the space between the other boys. He clearly didn’t feel comfortable sitting on anyone else’s bed, most likely not wanting to overstep. But he also wanted to be included. Sirius was beginning to notice a pattern with Peter, and he thought that James was too, since the boy spoke up.

“You can come sit with us Pete, don’t sit on he floor you’ll get all dusty,” James said, shuffling on his bed to create more room. He gave Sirius a shove to get him to move too. Sirius replied with a shove back but obliged.

“What were you thinking Lupin?” James asked, spinning his wand through his fingers lazily.

“Well, I’m not too sure. I just figured that there must be a spell to change the colour of something. I hadn’t really thought anything else through,” Remus said, slightly apprehensively.

“I’m pretty sure there is. That’s our first objective, to find a spell we can use. We’ll look in the library tomorrow,” James decided. He had naturally taken lead of the group, but Sirius figured that it was inevitable.

Peter was too timid. He seemed to like being spoken to rather than speaking first. Sirius had also picked up on the fact that he didn’t particularly like attention, but rather preferred to bask others in praise. He wasn’t confident enough, is what he was getting at.

Remus was too stand-offish to act as the ‘leader’ of their group. At least for now. Sirius hoped that they’d make more progress with him. He already felt quite fond of the boy, despite his snappy attitude that reared its head every now and again. He just needed more time, he told himself.

Sirius didn’t particularly want to face his faults. He was aware of them and knew why he wasn’t as much of a natural leader as James was. He just didn’t really want to think about it. All that mattered was that, at least in his opinion, James was everything he wanted to be. Confident (and not just faking it), naturally gifted at something (Quiddtich to be more specific. Sirius knew he was decent at lots of things, but he was yet to find an area that he truly excelled in) and loved.

James Potter was loved. It was evident. His ego had clearly come from years of being doted upon by adoring parents. Their only child, most likely their pride and joy. He had so much confidence. Like he’d never been rejected, like he’d never been told how inferior he was and like he’d never seen the look of something so close to hatred in his parent’s eyes that it made him want to crawl into a ball and cry.

He envied him for it. But he also loved him for it. The sense of love practically oozed out of James, and Sirius loved being surrounded by it. He assumed it had rubbed off from his parents. Sirius hoped that the coldness from his family didn’t rub off on others, as the warmth of James’ family rubbed off onto everyone he came into contact with.

“Our second objective,” James’ voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He was thankful for that; it was getting a bit much – trapped inside his mind like that. He focused on James’s voice to push his thoughts to the back of his mind.

“Is to figure out how we pull it off,” James continued, “It won’t be easy. It would be super easy if we were just doing it to Snape, but that’s too obvious. We need to do it to a group”.

“Why not just Snape?” Peter asked, biting his thumb nail.

“If it were just Snape, they would know it was us. Maybe all the boys in Slytherin?” James suggested.

“No, I want to get Cissy, too,” Sirius piped up. When Remus gave him a confused glance he elaborated. “My cousin. Not too bed, but it would still be bloody funny to see her reaction”.

“Okay, so all of Slytherin. Sounds easy,” James said. His tone was joking, of course it wouldn’t be easy. But his expression was determined, and far more confident than it was allowed to be.

“What are we actually going to change? Just the colours, or the Slytherin crest on the robes too?” Sirius asked James and Remus.

“I dunno,” Remus shrugged, “How much are we able to change?”.

“I like your thinking Lupin,” James said with a wide grin, “Do you think we’ll have enough time to go down to the library?”.

“We should do,” Sirius shrugged.

“Then let’s get to it, boys,” James said as he jumped up.

Less than ten minutes later, the fur boys were sat in the library, piles of books in front of them. James, taking the lead as usual, had assigned them all something to research to save time. James was looking at time delay spells, Remus was looking at colour changing spells, Peter was doing research into the wash cycle at Hogwarts which Sirius thought sounded like hell on earth, and Sirius himself was attempting to find ways to use a spell made for a singular object on multiple things. He was certain that Jams had given him the hardest job.

Under any other circumstances, he would be highly embarrassed to be spending his Saturday afternoon in the library of all places. But he had a feeling that it would be worth it, just this once.

It was near enough empty apart from them. Obviously, Sirius thought to himself, it’s a bloody Saturday, no one wants to be spending their free time studying. There was a boy sat on his own, that Sirius was pretty sure was in Slytherin, that looked a few years older than them, rapidly reading a book that looked to be about potions. Sirius felt a little better himself then, that was a lot worse than doing research for a prank.

There was also a boy and a girl sat in the corner of the library, and this time he knew that they were both in Gryffindor. He had only been here for a month and yet he still knew the boy’s name. Sat in the corner of the library was Fabian. A lot of people couldn’t tell the difference between him and his twin brother, Gideon, but Sirius hadn’t found it so hard. Perhaps this was because of the multiple times James had already dragged him to watch the Gryffindor Quidditch team practice. Hell, Sirius thought James showed up more than the actual players.

This had led him to learn the slight differences between the twins. They were the same height, around 6’2’ despite only being about sixteen. They were both fairly muscular, but Gideon slightly more so since he played the position of beater, whereas Fabian played the position of keeper. They both had the same ginger hair, an orange that was fairly muted. Gideon’s hair was slightly longer than Fabian’s, but the curls in their hair were also identical.

Their faces were slightly different, but Sirius hadn’t been able to place the exact differences between the two. Again, the orange freckles that decorated their faces and their dark green eyes were the same. But Sirius was certain that the boy sat in the library was Fabian.

Something that made him sure of this is the fact that the girl he was sat with was Emris Reid, one of the chasers on the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. She was also rather tall, and had shoulder length brown hair, that had shorter pieces at the front which framed her face. She also had dark green eyes, almost identical to Fabian’s, but hers were paired with strong, dark eyebrows. James had told him about the rumours that said Fabian and Emris were dating, and by the looks of it, this rumour was true. Mostly because they definitely weren’t studying despite having a book open in front of them and pieces of parchment, two quills and an ink pot scattered over the table.

“Do you think I should ask them how they’re feeling about the Slytherin game coming up?” James asked Sirius, also looking over to where the two were sat.

“Now’s probably not the time,” Sirius recommended, as Emris and Fabian started kissing for what must have been the tenth time in two minutes. James nodded to Sirius, looking slightly disappointed and Sirius struggled to contain a laugh at the boy’s commitment.

“Found anything yet?” James asked. At that point, they had been sat there for two hours, and they were all becoming a bit restless.

“I now know the ins and outs of how clothes get washed and returned in Hogwarts,” Peter announced, “Information I’m sure will be very useful in the future”.

“The floor’s yours, Pete,” James said, leaning back in his chair as he pushed his open book across the table away from him.

“Well,” Peter started, “After we put them in a pile in the corner of the room, house elves come to collect them. They then transport them down to the washing rooms which are somewhere near the kitchens”.

“Makes sense,” James muttered.

“Once they’ve washed everything,” Peter continued, “And they washed everything together, by the way, somehow the house elves transport them back to the right people’s rooms with a snap of their fingers. There’s some sort of charm which means a person’s belongings will return to the room of the person they belong to”.

“Is there anyway to intercept them whilst they’re in the washroom?” Sirius asked.

“Not that I’ve found so far,” Peter said nervously, gnawing at the side of his bottom lip nervously.

“That’s alright, mate,” James said happily, “Good job! We’ll keep looking! Lupin, you’re up”.

“There’s a transfiguration spell that seems simple enough,” Remus explained, examining the ancient book in front of him quickly, “It will change the colour and style a person’s clothing, apparently. You just have to say ‘Multicorfors’ whilst pointing your wand at the clothes you want to change’.

“Jolly good work!” James said pretentiously, putting on an even posher accent than he had normally.

“What about you, Potter?” Sirius asked, looking over James’s shoulder at the textbook he had been staring at all afternoon.

“I’ve found a few things that could work,” James explained, “Nothing that will delay the timing of the spell, but it could slow down the effects. But if we can’t find a way to get the clothes when they’re in the washrooms, then we might not need it. It’s a work in progress”. He sounded very optimistic, and Sirius felt it rubbing off on him.

“You’re the last one, Black,” James said, leaning back in his chair once again, readjusting his glasses.

“Turns out it’s easy enough,” Sirius replied, “We just need multiple people. And there’s four of us, so I think that works out quite nicely”.

“I have full confidence that our first mission will be successful,” James announced gleefully.

All of the boys’ confidence in James’s statement thoroughly improved the next day, when they were all dragged to the library once again. By the end of Sunday, Sirius was feeling strangely happy. He had managed to go all weekend without the thought of his family so much as crossing his mind, apart from the few moments where he pictured Narcissa’s reaction to being forced to wear Gryffindor robes when there was no alternative. Peter had started speaking up far more, which Sirius was glad about because he was beginning to grow rather fond of the boy. The plan for their prank was coming along nicely, and they all agreed that it should all be ready by the end of October.

But the thing that was potentially improving Sirius’s mood the most was the fact that Remus was no longer avoiding him. Sure, he was still pretty quiet, and a bit stand offish at times, but he was getting better. That was good, since Sirius was finding himself becoming more and more fond of the odd boy who quite honestly had one of the foulest mouths Sirius had ever heard. This only added to his appeal, for Sirius.

Things reversed on Monday morning though.

They had transfiguration first, and knowing that McGonagall had a thing for punctuality, hey all got up slightly earlier than they would on a usual weekday. At first, Sirius thought that Remus’s bad mood was due to the early start. He knew that he certainly wasn’t the most pleasant to be around anytime before ten in the morning, and so as to not be a hypocrite, he ignored Remus’s attitude.

As they sat at their desks in McGonagall’s class, she made them all quieten down rather quickly.

“Can I have your attention? I have been told to make sure that you are all aware that Astronomy, which was scheduled for midnight, tonight, has been cancelled,” McGonagall said, causing a few mixed reactions. There were people who were over the moon (no astronomy pun intended) that they would not have to pull themselves out of bed tonight just to stand on the astronomy tower to look through a telescope for an hour. There were others who were disappointed, since leaving bed after hours with permission was a luxury that still had yet to wear off for many. Then there were the others, like Sirius, who felt conflicted.

“Why?” someone asked.

“I have not been told, Miss McKinnon,” McGonagall replied, and Sirius realsied that the voice must have been Marlene, a small blonde girl in his year that was best friends with Mary, the chatty one that wore small gold hoop earrings in her ears. He hadn’t really had time to speak to either of them much yet. 

“So, I’m sure it is nothing that you should worry about,” McGonagall added, and Sirius noticed a hint of severity in her tone. He could have sworn that for a split second, her gaze turned to Remus before she walked to the front of the class to start the lesson. When Sirius looked over to Remus a bit later on in the lesson, he looked even more frustrated than he had this morning. His lips were pulled into a tight line, and his eyes were staring down at his page. Every so often, he kept blinking slowly as if he had a headache. That would explain things, he might just not be feeling well. Sirius felt foolish, for not having thought of the fact that the boy might be feeling a little under the weather.

Remus didn’t walk with Sirius, James and Peter to potions. Sirius was surprised by this, but he supposed that he’d actually only been friends with the boy for two days. He wasn’t even sure that Remus would consider it a friendship yet, so he tried to brush it off and think nothing of it.

At lunch, Sirius sat down, right next to Remus. He thought that maybe this would show him that it was normal to spend time with people in the time between lessons.

“Are you alright, mate?” James asked Remus as he sat down across from him, “You don’t look too good”.

“I’m fine,” Remus replied bluntly before taking a large bit from one of his sandwiches. There were five on his plate. Which meant ten slices of bread. Sirius couldn’t imagine eating so much when they were only halfway through the day, and once again he found himself slightly concerned yet somehow in awe of Remus’s eating habits.

“Okay. You can tell us if not though,” James assured him.

“I said I’m fine,” Remus snapped. James blinked at him for a second before nodding slowly.

“Yeah, of course, sorry,” James said, taking a swig from the glass of pumpkin juice that was beside him. When Remus wasn’t looking, Sirius saw James send him another concerned look. James then turned his gaze to Sirius and raised his eyebrows, as if to ask Sirius if he thought Remus looked a bit peaky. He did. He certainly did.

They didn’t speak to Remus again for the rest of the day, and he didn’t make an effort to peak to them. When the other three went to their dormitory, Remus didn’t join them. They saw him next at dinner, once again wolfing down food faster than Sirius had thought humanly possible.

“You sure eat a lot, don’t you?” he heard Mary giggle from beside Remus. Sirius knew that he had especially asked Remus the same question, yet he felt a bit annoyed at Mary’s tone.

“I guess,” Remus replied, mouth half full. Sirius winced at his lack of table manners, before promptly reminding himself that not everyone grew up in a household that was richer beyond most people’s wildest dreams, with overbearing parents who never let you step a foot out of line. Not even a toe.

Mary didn’t seem too put out, simply laughing at Remus and sending an amused expression over to Marlene. At the end of dinner, Remus stood up and started walking away hastily. Sirius grabbed his arm as he walked past.

“Where are going?” he asked, his voice intrigued more than demanding. Remus hesitated.

“I’m going to visit my mum tonight. I should be back tomorrow,” Remus said, before adding, “Thought I might as well since astronomy was cancelled”.

“Oh, alright,” Sirius said, “I hope she’s okay”. Remus just nodded before walking off. Sirius shuffled slightly uncomfortably. He couldn’t imagine wanting to go and visit his mother when she was ill. She was vile enough when she was feeling good, let alone if she was forced to stay in bed all day and have others controlling her life indefinitely. She was a rather controlling person.

***

Remus was true to his word and was back the next morning. He arrived earlier than he did last time he had visited her and was back before breakfast. He was already in his uniform, and Sirius guessed that he had grabbed them straight after he had left the Great Hall the night before.

“Is she okay?” Sirius asked Remus as they walked down to breakfast.

“What? Oh right,” Remus said, “Yeah, she’s good”. Remus looked tired. That’s the first thing Sirius noticed. The area under his eyes was a pale purple, and his eyelids drooped heavily. His whole complexion also looked greyer. But that wasn’t the worst thing Sirius noticed.

Remus’s right shoulder was slouching slightly lower than the other, and every time he moved his right arm, he winced. It was obvious he was trying not to, but he was seemingly unable to stop it. There was another thing, he had a cut by his jaw. A new one. It looked like it had only just stopped bleeding.

Sirius felt like he’d received a punch to the gut, as he had a sudden idea of what could be happening.

Sirius took his chance to ask Remus later that day when James had dragged Peter along with him to look for anyone on the Quidditch team that he could pester for tips and information.

“Have you hurt your shoulder?” Sirius asked, with a nod to the shoulder that even now was resting awkwardly on Remus’s pillows.

“No,” Remus replied stiffly.

“No one’s hurting you, are they? Like when you go back to visit home?” Sirius asked worriedly, perching on the side of Remus’s bed. Remus didn’t swat him away when he did so, so he remained in place.

“What?” Remus almost laughed, “No, not at all! Why would you think that?”. Sirius just shrugged.

“Sirius?” Remus said softly, more softly than he had ever spoken before which really brought out his accent, “Your family have never…”. Sirius shook his head quickly.

“No, but they’re pretty…severe, I guess you could say,” Sirius sighed, “It wouldn’t be a massive shock if they did, one day”. Sirius was telling the honest truth. He liked to think his parents loved him, just in a weird way. They definitely loved Regulus. Regulus had been the child they wanted, not him. But maybe this thought only existed because they had never physically hurt him. There had been cruel punishments, yes. But they’d never put a finger on him. But there was always a lingering fear in the back of his head that one day they would.

Every time his mother came a bit too close to him when she was in a bad mood, every time his father raised his voice. It was always a worry. So, he naturally jumped to this sort of conclusion, and found that he was usually wrong.

“I’m sorry,” Remus muttered, but Sirius could tell that was just because he was in shock.

“It’s fine, they’ve never hurt me,” Sirius said, in a voce happier than he felt, “They just show their love in a weird way”.

“Sirius,” Remus started, “You must know that if you scared of them doing anything like that to you, then that’s not love”. Sirius just hummed in a neutral tone. He did know this, deep down. But maybe he just wanted to pretend a little while longer that he was loved by his family. That they cared.

“How did you hurt yourself, then?” Sirius asked to which Remus responded to with a shaky laugh. It didn’t sound one hundred percent genuine, but Sirius blamed this on the bombshell he’d just dropped on Remus. A bombshell that he realsied he had never told anyone before. It felt good, in a weird way.

“I just tripped,” Remus responded, “Hit my shoulder on the way down and cut my neck a bit. That’s all. Please don’t worry about me. Are you sure you’re okay?”. Remus looked nervously at Sirius, who all of a sudden felt guilty. Here was a boy who had never had friends before and was clearly still getting used to being around people his own age. And here was Sirius, telling this boy about the most traumatic parts of his life.

“I’m not there anymore, am I?” Sirius replied with a small smile that actually felt a tad bit genuine, “I’m at Hogwarts, with you lot”.

Which to Sirius, meant that he was great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about it being so dialogue heavy. It will become much more interesting soon. Also, sorry for the dark parts at the end, I just thought it would be an important step in Remus and Sirius's friendship  
> Let me know if you have any thoughts (positive or negative), any comments would mean a lot <3  
> I hope you're enjoying so far :)


	5. Reflection - Year One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: toxic family, mental, physical and emotional abuse  
> pretty much focuses only on Sirius's family relationships (which aren't great, obviously) so gets quite heavy, sorry about that  
> please remember you are loved <3

The Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson the next day made three people leave the classroom early. Sirius, unfortunately, just so happened to be one of these three people.

Their Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Cole, was stood at the front of the class, and greeted them all with a smile, that Sirius always thought (albeit cruelly) was a bit too big for his face and the occasion. 

“Today I’ve got something rather unusual, but it might be a bit more light-hearted than usual lessons,” Professor Cole explained. Sirius guessed that the man was probably in his late thirties. He had curly dark hair that was slightly scruffy, and eyebrows that were just as wild. His smile managed to take away some of the mania of his look, and made him look less like a mad scientist. 

“I thought it was important that you learn that sometimes dark magic may not always appear dark. In fact, it may not even be dark at all. I believe that the most dangerous magic of all, is the type of magic that at first seems safe and nurturing. It lures you into a false sense of security, but at the same time may put you in a type of danger that doesn’t seem dangerous, but has the power to destroy lives,” the manic man explained.

“I thought he said this would be light-hearted,” James muttered to Sirius, who smirked back in response.

“Now, do any of you know anything about the Mirror of Erised?” the professor asked. A few students put their hands up, but there was one slightly faster than all the others.

“Yes, Miss Evans,” the teacher said, waving a hand in the direction of Lily. She had a big smile on her face, and her eyes seemed to light up when she was chosen.

“The Mirror of Erised shows what a person desires the most in life,” Lily replied earning a warm smile from the professor. Sirius rolled his eyes, and he noticed Remus doing the same from beside him. He shot the boy a small smile. Remus didn’t return the smile, but he the corners of his mouth lifted ever so slightly. Progress.

“Correct,” Professor Cole said before walking towards the material covered object, “We are very lucky that the school is in possession of such an object”. This statement was met with a few excited murmurs. Sirius straightened up and started paying a bit more attention, since this was far more interesting than their usual lessons. Cole pulled the material from the object, revealing a large mirror with a golden border.

“I have been given permission by Dumbledore to allow you all to look into the mirror. However, I have been told that you are to look no longer than twenty seconds, and you all must agree to not obsess over what you see today, is that okay?” Professor Cole asked, and practically everyone in the room nodded enthusiastically.

“You see, a person who is completely fulfilled with life, someone who had everything they could ever want, will look into this mirror and see everything as it is in reality. This is very rare, and I’m not even sure a case of this has ever been recorded. Some people become so obsessed with making what they see in the mirror a reality. For example, a person who is very sick may see themselves healthy and full of life, even if this is impossible. A person who had lost someone they love may see that person alive and well, even if that person is long gone. These people may want this to be true so badly that they may waste away in front of this mirror. Many people have, and I’m sure many more people will. But I will not allow that to be any of you. Am I understood?” the man asked.

Everyone murmured in agreement, making the professor clap his hands together and smile.

“Brilliant! I will not force any of you to look into the mirror, but if you would like to try then please form a line in front of it,” the teacher said, walking to the side of the mirror. Everyone stood up rather hurriedly and formed a line. Sirius and James were somewhere in the middle of everyone. Peter was ahead of them and Remus was behind.

A girl named Marlene was at the front of the queue, and she stood forward looking, what Sirius could only describe as, determined.

“Miss McKinnon, if you would like to tell us what you see then you may, but if not please do not feel obliged,” Cole said with a smile, and Marlene nodded.

“I see my parents, together again. They divorced last year,” Marlene said, sounding slightly sad, “And my brothers are there too”. Sirius couldn’t imagine being sad about his parents divorcing. Of course, the Black family would never allow that sort of thing, since it would cause a bad image for the family.

“Thank you, Miss McKinnon,” Professor Cole said. The blonde girl nodded, before returning to sit at her desk and watch the other students. “Miss Macdonald”. Mary stepped forward. She was wearing her hair in small pigtails today, bunches of dark, curly hair were rested on either side of her head.

“It’s just me and my friends, and we’re at a party I think,” Mary said happily. Sounded like she didn’t have too many issues to Sirius. A few more people had their goes, until it came to Peter. Peter looked back nervously at James and Sirius, who gave him encouraging nods.

“It’s…” Peter started, looking into the mirror hard, “It’s me and my friends. We’re just sat together, and they’re listening to me talking”. This also sounded rather simple in Sirius’s opinion. James was next, and Sirius was very excited to hear this one. James already had practically everything, what on Earth would make his life more fulfilled. Sirius had a feeling that he was about to witness history, that James would see his life exactly as it was now.

Sirius took a deep breath before stepping forwards. He looked intently into the mirror, and suddenly three people appeared around him. Next to him was his brother Reggie, laughing at Sirius just like he used to all the time as a child. He still laughed now, but it was much rarer than it had ever been before.

Behind him were his parents, and he froze for a second. But there was something different about the people stood behind him. His mother was _smiling_. He had never seen his mother smile. Even in her wedding pictures, she looked angry. The reflection of his mother placed a hand on his shoulder, and he watched her squeeze it as she beamed down at him. He was slightly unnerved, so he looked at his father. He was also smiling, and there was a sparkle in his eyes that Sirius had never seen before. The he realsied what it was.

Pride.

His father had certainly never look at him with pride before. He gulped, feeling a lump rise in his throat. His eyes started to hurt as he strained to not let any tears fall. This was ridiculous, why was this making him want to cry. It wasn’t real. It was fake. This would never happen.

Ah. That’s why he wanted to cry.

This was, after all, what he wanted the most in life. A happy family. A family that loved one another. And he would never get it.

He thought he had handled it, until the reflection of his parents leant down to hug his reflection. He felt his whole body tighten, and he could almost feel the pressure of the hug in real life. And that was when he felt the tear escape his eye.

He went red with embarrassment and felt his face heat. He couldn’t let anyone see that he was crying, he would never live that down. He didn’t think, and before he knew it, he had left the classroom and was running through the empty halls.

He was probably overreacting, he thought to himself, but he couldn’t help it. He was currently trying to figure out if he had made the right decision by leaving the room so quickly, but it was either that or he started crying in front of the entire class. He wasn’t sure which was worse. Crying, he decided, was far worse. But perhaps he was lying himself to make himself feel less humiliated.

He knew he’d be able to brush it off, he was quite good at hiding when he was upset. He continued to walk through the empty halls before deciding to just go to the dormitory to hide out for the rest of the day. He let five tears escape before blinking hard, and then he was able to stop it.

He knew his face must be red, and that his eyelashes probably looked longer than usual due to the tears. But he wasn’t going to run into anyone, so he decided he didn’t care.

He’d forget about that mirror. It was stupid, it wasn’t real. He scoffed over the thought that anyone thought it would be a good idea to show it to a bunch of eleven-year-olds. What idiot came up with that one?

Sirius made his way up to Gryffindor Tower, and when he entered his dormitory there was already someone there. James was sat on Sirius’s bed, throwing a crumpled piece of paper up into the air over and over again, catching it in alternating hands every time it came back down. Sirius was confused as to how he got here before him. He must have been wandering around aimlessly for longer than he thought.

“Alright?” James asked. His eyes were panicked, but Sirius could tell he was doing his best to look casual about the whole thing.

“My family is pretty awful,” Sirius said, which caused James to laugh slightly. He shuffled on Sirius’s bed to make room for the other boy before patting the mattress, inviting Sirius to join him.

“Why are you on my bed? You have your own, idiot,” Sirius said, but his tone wasn’t cruel, but loving.

“Thought I’d stand a better chance of getting you to talk to me if I sat here,” James said as Sirius placed himself beside the other boy, “If I sat on my own, you could close the curtains and ignore me. Now, tell me why your family is pretty awful. I mean, I have some idea but….”

“Where do I start?” Sirius said with a humourless laugh.

“What did you see in the mirror?” James suggested.

“My parents and my brother, Reggie. But it was weird. They looked happy. Reggie was laughing, my mother was smiling, and my father looked proud. None of those things ever really happen anymore. Well, the Reggie one does. But he never laughs in front of our parents. He’s watched my get a clip around the ear enough times to know better,” Sirius said, resting his head against the headboard.

“They hit you?” James said, sounding outraged.

“I had this exact conversation with Remus the other day,” Sirius said absentmindedly, feeling a bit guilty about the hurt look on James’s face for a second, “But not really. They don’t ever intentionally hurt me, you know? It’s just small hits that sting for a second, no lasting damage. But sometimes I’d get hurt from their punishments, but it’s not intentional, is it?”.

James looked mortified.

“Sirius, that’s awful. That’s not right, even if it’s not on purpose, or doesn’t hurt much,” James insisted.

“I’m used to it,” Sirius said with a shrug.

“But you shouldn’t be,” James said, his voice had an edge of anger that Sirius had never heard before. Sirius just shook his head.

“Then there’s the whole pureblood thing. Anyone else is considered inferior; muggles, muggle-borns and half-bloods. None are good enough, according to them. All their views are prejudiced,” Sirius grumbled, realising that now he’d started he wasn’t sure when he’d finish. “They disowned my cousin Andromeda because she fell in love with a Muggle-born, his names Ted. He’s a decent bloke, looks after her, makes her happy. But they’d rather she married some rich guy, who was from France I think, who was quite frankly far too old for her, and it was obvious he’d treat her really badly. So, she refused to marry him, ran of with Ted, and now she’s been completely disowned”.

“Then there’s my uncle, the only member of the family I actually like apart from ‘Meda and Reggie. He got disowned cause he doesn’t think purebloods are superior, and he’s queer. He left, lives with his partner now. Both of them are nice enough, but mother would kill me if she found out I’d spoken to him. But he’s the only one who’s ever really been nice to me, old Alphard” Sirius continued. James took a deep breath, but Sirius kept going.

“We have this family tree in out house. There’s a room, and the walls are covered in it. Every member of the house of Black ever. There’s all our pictures on it, they change as we grow up and when someone dies, it turns into a skeleton. Always thought that part was a bit morbid. But anyway, it works through blood, dark magic I’m sure, and there’s no way of removing someone from it aside from burning it. So, when someone is disowned by the family, their faces get burnt off. And that’s it, their bloodline can’t continue anymore. They burnt off ‘Meda and Alphard. So, if ‘Meda has any kids, they won’t show up”. James was nodding along, and Sirius realsied he was losing the point he was trying to make.

“Anyway, none of that really matters. What I’m trying to say is my family have no loyalty, and I think that’s why I hate them. And I know that’s rich, considering I’m bad mouthing them all and saying how much I hate them, but still. They completely abandoned both of them, and countless others over the years, and we’re expected to pretend they don’t exist. If I even mention Andromeda, I get screamed at. I think…” Sirius started, realising how much he’d just told James, and how it wasn’t even half of it. James didn’t prompt him, allowing him to continue at his own pace.

“I think I’m scared of that happening to me, and I’m ashamed. This doesn’t matter, sorry,” Sirius sniffed, feeling his voice growing weaker. To his surprise, James pulled him into a hug.

“Don’t be sorry, say whatever you want. I’m listening, and I’ll be here for you,” James said, “I always will be. I promise”. Sirius gripped James tighter for a few seconds before pulling away, feeling able to talk again. And despite the fact he’d only known this boy for just over a month, he believed him. He trusted James more than he’d ever trusted anyone else in his life.

“I hate them. I disagree with them. But they’re still my family. And I can kid myself into thinking I don’t care of they hate me, but I do. That’s why the mirror upset me. Because it made me realise that I’ve been lying to myself. Sure, it’s fun to piss them all off every now and again, but I don’t want them to hate me. I want to be happy, all of us to be happy. Until I came here and heard how people spoke about their families, I thought it was normal. To be unloved by your own parents,” Sirius said, not even stopping to breath. Telling James all this felt so good. In the weirdest way.

“That’s fucked up,” James said, and Sirius couldn’t help but snort at hearing the boy swear. He didn’t think he’d ever heard James swear much before, but come to think of it, he didn’t really either. Perhaps they were picking things up from Remus.

“It is fucked up,” Sirius laughed, despite the fact that tears were threatening to roll down his cheeks again.

“We sound like bloody Lupin,” James said, which made Sirius laugh more since that was exactly what he was thinking, “Sorry for interrupting”.

“Don’t be,” Sirius said, repeating James’s earlier words, “I just think, I have this feeling, that one day my picture will be burnt off. And I don’t know why I care. I feel guilty for caring. Because if I want to be loved by them, then that makes me just as bad as they are”.

“It doesn’t. Not at all,” James assured him, “And you don’t need them, no matter how much you think you do, or how much you want them to. You have a new family”. Sirius gave James a quizzical look.

“Well, you have me and Pete. Maybe Remus if we can figure the fella out. My parents. I’ve told them all about you in my letters, and I think they’re ready to welcome you as a second son the minute you meet them,” James said, as Sirius started laughing quietly at the absurdity of the whole situation.

“I love you, and there’s other people that do too, okay? You have me, Peter, Reggie, Andromeda and her bloke, I’ve forgotten his name,” James said, scrunching up his nose in thought.

“Ted,” Sirius provided with a snort.

“Right, sorry Ted mate. Alphard, his bloke. And like I said, we’ll put Remus and my parents in the ‘to be added later’ section,” James said with a playful smile.

“Thank you, James. That makes me feel better, even though you said you love me like a right girl” Sirius said sincerely but couldn’t help trying to lighten the mood with his comment at the end. James just shoved him, muttering something about hi being an idiot.

That was more than he’d ever told anyone else about his family. Although, before the only people he’d spoken to before were members of his family. It wasn’t everything, but it was a start.

It was the first time he’d really had a friend, he realised. A friend that cared about him, _loved him,_ even. It felt nice.

“Do they do all those things to Reggie? Like, hit him?” James asked anxiously. Sirius shook his head quickly, which made his hair shake back and forth, a bit like a dog shaking off water.

“No, just me. He’s the good one. In their eyes, he’s perfect. He does as he’s told, doesn’t question their views or authority. Anything bad he ever does, which is so rare I can hardly even remember it happening, it gets blamed on me,” Sirius said with a shrug before doing a subpar impression of his mother, “Sirius, Regulus has accidentally used his salad fork for his main course, this is your bad influence”.

“They seriously care about things like that?” James asked.

“Do your parents not?” Sirius asked, genuinely curious. He had learnt that some things about his family were odd, but he was still discovering what was considered normal. James just shook his head, raising his eyebrows at Sirius.

“Oh, well, that was a real example. That happened last Christmas,” Sirius informed the other boy, “But yes, Reggie’s their perfect angel. Sometimes I think they like to pretend I don’t exist, that Reggie is their only son. I suppose it’s less embarrassing than having a blood-traitor son who doesn’t think that all muggles deserve to be put down”.

“If it makes any difference, I’d rather be friends with a blood-traitor than a person that acted like then. So, I’m happy you’re not like then, otherwise I think I would’ve bloody killed you after being forced to share a dorm with you,” James said, placing his hand over Sirius’s. James squeezed and Sirius squeezed back.

Somehow in that moment, he knew everything would be okay. James was right, he would get a new family. He already had his brother sat next to him.

And then just like that, Peter came running in.

“There you two bloody are! I’ve had to look everywhere because you all left,” Peter said, sounding slightly out of breath as he stumbled over to his bed and collapsed back on it. James laughed slightly, clapped Sirius on the back and sent him a kind look before jumping to his feet.

“Well, you’ve found us now so we can get back to class,” James said, pulling Peter up from his bed, ignoring the protests flying out of the other boy’s mouth. Once Peter was back on his feet, he looked at Remus’s bed.

“You have got to be kidding,” Peter huffed, “He’s not here?”.

“Who’s not here?” James asked.

“Lupin. Left right after you two,” Peter said in frustration, before walking back to the door, “Come on, we better look for him before we go back”.

“Wonder why he left,” Sirius mused out loud, before receiving a look from James that was strict, but still held that kindness that was overly present only moments before.

“Don’t ask him about it, unless you’d feel comfortable with him asking you,” James warned, before following Peter down the stairs of the dormitory. Sirius considered James’s words and realsied he was right. Feeling the lightest he’d felt in ages, he jogged down the stairs after his two friends, one of the steps squeaking obnoxiously loudly as he did so.

He decided then and there that he was never going to leave James Potter’s side, for both of their sakes. Not willingly, anyway.

“Hurry up Sirius,” Peter moaned from a few feet away. Sirius looked at the boy and realsied that he’d been walking pretty slowly, so he picked up his speed and joined his friends (which was still slightly surreal to think about) in searching for Remus, who he decided in that moment was also his friend now, whether the boy liked it or not.

He wasn’t going anywhere, those three other boys would be stuck with him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying if you're reading (even though this chapter isn't the nicest to read or write). If you have any thoughts then let me know :)  
> i am currently rewriting the first few chapter because i know i can write better than i have been, so new chapter might take a while :)


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